This writing is based on a conversation which got me thinking.

Someone asked me:

What difference do you make between dominant personalities and domineering?

I replied:

Good question!

I think there are three parts to the question, rather than two:

1. Dominance in personality.
2. Dominance in lifestyle or relationship role.
3. Dominance versus domineering or controlling.

A dominant personality is how you live your life. Do you tend to take charge when a project needs a leader? Do you leads your friends group? Do you put yourself out there, and make sure to get things done? Maybe sometimes you talk over people? Or take over a room, without even meaning to?

Dominant personality.

A dominant in lifestyle or relationships is someone who wants to lead in their personal life, and be recognized as that leader. They offer responsibility and care in exchange for the power they are given by another.

And someone who is domineering will try to force that power, without giving anything in exchange (or giving ONLY what they choose without regard for the other’s needs), simply because they feel like they have to be or deserve to be in control. Control freaks, people who try to change others in relationships with them through sneaky methods, etc.

None of the three are necessarily related.

Submissives may have dominant personalities, but not want to lead their relationships.

Dominants may love leading their relationships, but prefer to be chill in the other areas of their lives. The “I’m a dominant, but I’m not your dominant” type.

I’ve known slaves who did not identify as submissive at all.

And I’ve known submissives who learned how to play the role of dominant in their relationships.

And in many situations (think military), you have a lot of dominant personalities, whose role (anyone less than the top echelons) is at least partly submissive to others.

And being a control freak or being domineering is not a purely dominant thing.

There are as many domineering submissives as there are dominants, and you don’t even need to be a part of the lifestyle to be a control freak.

Or have a dominant or submissive personality.

Now, there are probably a bunch of WON TWOO WAY purists who are out there right now having aneurisms. Because they like things nicely categorized and tied up in a little bow, and knowing that they have things all figured out.

Well, I hope they recover.

Because humans are not nice and neat. They are complex and messy, and wonderfully so. And I’m here to tell you that if you don’t neatly fit into a box that someone else created for you, that’s OK.

You’re alright the way you are.

Let’s make you a different box!

(Oh, and if you find yourself a dominant personality with submissive desires, you may want to check out our Alpha Submissive online class and webinar reply, available to PLUS Members: https://datingkinky.com/plus-membership )