A lot of people say they couldn’t be poly or nonmonogamous because they are jealous. As if jealousy is not allowed in those lifestyles.
I’l tell you, it’s there.
And it’s treated differently than in monogamy. Not that it’s welcomed and invited in. Or even wanted.
But the best nonmonogamists I know acknowledge their jealousy, accept it, and have learned to talk about and with it.
Watchu talkin ‘bout, Nookie?
It can help to talk to your jealous side and see what’s up.
“Hey! You’re feeling jealous and you’re worried about me—I appreciate that. What, exactly are you thinking could go wrong?”
This helps, because once you get to something specific, you can focus better on actual facts, rather than fancies born of fear.
“They want to leave me!”
Ok. Let’s look at that. Is there a reason you think that, really? Why would they want to leave you, but aren’t actually leaving you?
And if they do want to leave you, will that really be the end of the world for you?
“They will spend all their time with _ and I’ll feel left out.”
Sure, you might feel left out. That’s natural, even with friends, yes? I’ve certainly felt left out when my friends do things without me.
But ALL their time? That seems like an exaggeration, and something worth examining.
“Their other partner will be better at sex than I am.”
That might be true.
So, what does that really mean? That they will leave you for the sex?
Would YOU leave someone just because you found better sex somewhere else?
Would you want someone in your life as a partner who WOULD leave someone because they got better sex elsewhere?
“They won’t love me anymore.”
Is that who you think your partner is?
Perhaps you are concerned because they are not showing you how much they love you in ways you need to feel it.
Now, you have a starting point for conversation, “I’d really love to spend some one-on-one time this weekend, just you and me. Maybe we could have a picnic and reconnect.”
Or whatever you need to ask for to help move in the right direction. It’s your feelings we’re talking about here.
Your fears and insecurities are also yours. As will be your conversation with yourself.
And, honestly, you may not feel a whole lot better afterwards, because, hey, that’s the chance we take with love—that we’ll get hurt because we’ve made ourselves vulnerable.
But, you WILL learn something about yourself.
And you may find that once you’ve dug through it all, you might still be jealous, but it may not matter quite as much, because you know where it’s coming from inside you, and maybe you’ll have identified a few steps you can take to help alleviate some of that feeling.