A case for dating profiles that allow others to self-deselect.

A case for dating profiles that allow others to self-deselect.

Write a dating profile that encourages others to self-deselect.

I often talk about dating online as creating profiles that specifically rule out people that you would be incompatible with, or don’t desire to connect with.

I’m positively entranced with the concept and use it religiously.

A friend of mine who often creates amazing dialog and perspective with me wrote about one of those mentions:

I think it is truly a perspective thing, based on the different rate our inboxes fill. I hate for women to self select out when they do it based on what they think I will think of them. They often do it based on their own insecurities (I’m too fat) rather than an accurate assessment of my preferences (I find plump women particularly appealing but would never rule a person out based on their weight.)

Which I get.

That sort of thing is, to me, indicative of other issues.

For example, I talk about big brains in my profile. If someone were to rule themselves out because they don’t self-identify as someone with a big brain, I might think they are…however, their self-view will not match who I’m looking for, and ultimately, I feel we will see the world differently.

Also, I’m not personally up for spending the rest of mylife shoring up someone’s insecurities.

That said, getting too granular or specific in your needs can also be an issue. Especially in any dating situation where you’re FAR less likely to receive messages in dating, for whatever reason.

AND…getting too negative is no bueno, either.

Generally, a profile should be positive with only one or two “negative” statements, like a “no,” or “don’t. And it’s easy to present what you want in a positive way.

For example, he said he “would never rule a person out based on their weight, and he finds plump women appealing. So, that could be stated as:

“I love women of all shapes and sizes, the connection is what matters most to me. I am particularly fond of those with a little extra or curves to fill out their clothing.”

Super positive, and yet targets those who might normally not write because they are a bit insecure, while not being too overt or specific.


Or, perhaps it’s that while I enjoy sex on the strange, I don’t like people trying to connect with me specifically for sex. I like to make that move, so I say:

“I am not shy about sexuality, but I’m not an easy fuck. If you are simply looking for panties to get into, move on.”

It make my point clearly, and those who read it are forewarned. Heck, if they don’t, then I don’t really care if they are forewarned. They should have read my profile before contacting me, and they deserve whatever they get if they approach me like a dipshit.

Ultimately, I find that being positive and specific about what you’re looking for is a good thing, even if it’s as simple as:

“I’m new to all this and open to creating intimate friendships that explore various types of kink.”

Because that makes a few things clear:

  • You’re looking for friends (not necessarily a love match).
  • You’re new, and possibly still figuring out what you’re into.
  • You’re interested in exploring multiple parts of kink.
  • You’re looking for more than one exploration partner.

See? A lot of information goes into that sentence. And someone who is looking for someone who is 100% this, that or the other, and looking to get married…well, they can deselect right outta there, without wasting both of your times.

The key to creating a dating profile that allows people to self-deselect, though, is to know who you are and what you’re really looking for, first.

And honestly, I think that’s the harder part for most.

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