The upside and the downside of intensity in relationships.

The upside and the downside of intensity in relationships.

So, I have this theory. It’s just a theory. Nothing I can prove, or even really want to.

It’s a pet theory and it works for me.

Kinksters are on the average more intense than the general vanilla public.

That’s it.

Now, I’m not saying that makes us better. Or worse. Or anything. Just…more intense.

Which is a blessing and a curse, I think.

Because while intensity, for me, is a natural way of life, it’s pretty freaky to others. And in some ways, I think that’s what makes us kinksters.

We want to experience more, connect more, live in the moment (when we can) more.

Some people go for extreme sports. Or dangerous risks. Maybe some search for highs though ingestion of various substances Others, they go for kink (or a combination of the above).

And for those of us whose intensity is specifically interpersonal, it can be a challenge navigating the non-kink scene. We are often TOO MUCH for others. And for many, that’s probably stamped us with some lingering trauma.

Not only that, but many kinksters get intense FAST. Like, 0-60 in one date fast.

And for those who don’t understand that, that’s scary AF.

And honestly, some of us don’t know how to handle those speeds, even though that’s our natural state. Because we’ve always had to tone it down, to mute ourselves, to sparkle a little less to be accepted, loved, rewarded—whatever.

And we have to learn how to control ourselves:

How to communicate without crying or screaming.

How to not show too much passion, so someone doesn’t think we might be in love with them, when we are really just deeply infatuated—and how do we even know the difference, until we’ve had the chance to really be ourselves and experience the difference?

How to be both in-the-moment intense and spontaneous and stable and social acceptable.

And so on.

So those are the downsides.

The upsides?

Higher highs go with the lower lows.

And I don’t mean in a manic-depressive sort of way (although there is that, too, for some).

I mean when we stretch ourselves, or are forced in one direction, our capacities or potential in other areas also grow. We can experience more love, more feeling, more depth.

Not just because we CAN (I think most humans could), but because we want to. Need to, to balance.

And even within kink, of course, there are different levels of intensity.

And fear of being SEEN and then pushed back into that lesser version of ourselves.

And self acceptance.

But I’ll ask you:

Do you feel more intense than most people you know?

How does kink play into that, if at all?

Have you felt like you’ve had to hide who you are in the past? Do you still do that some in kink even now?

More Posts

A pencil writing "why?" on a piece of lined paper.

Why “WHY?” Is A Sucky Question…

…to others or to yourself: It doesn’t solve anything or change behaviors. It is often interpreted as “explain/defend yourself.” We are not logical creatures. In

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Your Trauma

I get it. I’ve been through some shit. You might have been through more. Or less. But that doesn’t matter, really. because, as they say,

Read More »