Last night, I hosted Life in Submission, despite the fact that I’m not a submissive.

To bolster my cred, I brought along @selene73 (Happy Birthday to her!) to share her perspectives as a submissive on the idea that you have to have power in order to exchange it.

It was a good discussion, very engaged audience, and I had a wonderful time.

Someone from the event wrote to me after, and mentioned a challenge that I see a lot. I’m going to paraphrase, because I did not get permission to use their words as a quote.

I have hard time meeting people for kink and love, because I’m afraid I might make a mistake approaching and ruin my chances with the one. So I don’t.

Yup.

Common.

Totally.

Here’s the thing: THE ONE is a LOT of pressure to put on anyone before you’ve met them. Even if it’s just a possibility.

I mean, when you meet someone at work, do you think, “This may be the person who lands me that million-dollar-a-year job”? Or when you meet someone on the golf course, do you think, “This could be my bestie forever and may save my life one day”?

No.

I’m betting you don’t.

You simply let yourself be open to the possibilities.

Kink and love is no different.

Some people will come into your life to leave again, quickly. Some will stay for a bit of play. Some might become lifelong friends and confidantes. Some will introduce you the person you might spend a whirlwind romance with.

And so on.

But to open yourself to the possibilities, there has to be a possibility.

And the first step is usually, “Hello.”

Something you say every day. To the grocery checker. To the guy who drives the bus. To the person who delivers your mail.

And EVERY ONE of those strangers has just as much possibility.

EVERY SINGLE ONE.

So, to help you get up the nerve, let me suggest a few things to think through.

1. You already approach people with tons of potential for your life every single day.

2. You already do riskier things in your life (not sure what your risks are, but you have them—mountain biking, skydiving, walking across a busy street without looking both ways twice.

3. Adding the weight of THE ONE to someone before you even meet them is unfair to both of you, and adds WAY too much pressure.

4. You will fuck up. You will be hurt. You will fail. You will make yourself look like a fool and say stupid things. You will hurt others. You will sometimes (perhaps often) feel an inch tall.

And you will survive.

And you will get better with practice.

And you will make friends, and grow.

And you’ll learn how to approach people and open yourself to possibilities in the same way that you learned to walk or run or roller skate.

With a few skinned knees, some crying and swearing, and getting back up and doing it again.