✅ You gotta put in effort to get results.

✅ The gains are often not obvious for a LONG time.

✅ There will be setbacks.

✅ You’ll have to deal with some funky people.

✅ Going through the motions can feel fulfilling, but ultimately moves you AWAY from your goal.

It’s this last bit I’d like to talk about.

Because just like there are people who get that gym membership (or buy those videos or lug home those dumbbells), and feel like at least they have taken that step, and now they can rest “a bit”, there are those who do the dating site equivalent of phoning in their workouts.

Like people who send messages like this:

Subject: hi your beautiful
Message: i bet your pee is delicious

They don’t REALLY think they will get a positive response. Not if they stop to think about it.

But it’s easy. And it makes them feel like they have gone through the motions as if they COULD inspire a response with that.

And two things are accomplished.

1. They have sent THE LETTER, or at least the possible letter, and NOW they have a chance (however miniscule) of fulfilling their fantasy and with a specific target, so they can walk and feel better, and get on with their lives.
2. They maintain their world view. And this is a stronger motivation than you might think. Because by sending the message, they have pretty much guaranteed that they will feel positively reinforced if their world view is that, “_ don’t like me, because _.” Because it’s not their message, of course. It’s because they are not smooth or beautiful or rich or…whatever.

And regardless of which accomplishment (or both) they get, they get to feel a temporary high before it fades away, and they slip down into shame and embarrassment, which makes it even more difficult to put effort in the next time…

And it’s sad, really.

And I do my best to help. To writ things like how to send a first message (https://datingkinky.com/blog/dating-kinky/online-kinky-dating-the-first-message-part-i/), how to give a compliment (https://datingkinky.com/blog/communication/give-compliments-lots-of-compliments-do-it-right-in-9-easy-steps/), even how to get better at rejection (https://datingkinky.com/blog/love/how-and-why-to-get-rejected-more-often/).

But ultimately, only they can make the decision to make a change.

Or, perhaps, YOU can?

Do you see yourself in this in even the smallest bit? Do you ever feel like there is no hope?

Reach out. I’d love to hear from you. Maybe we can find a way out of this cycle for you.