Last week I wrote, Don’t “Do The Things,” Be The Person Who Does The Things.
I’d intended to follow-up the next day with this writing, but a few things got in the way.
I wrote that one knowing that I’d also be writing this one.
Because sometimes, when you’re not yet the person who would do the things naturally, or unconsciously, you need to just do the things anyway.
Anyone who has spent a lot of time around me knows that there are certain ideas I use a lot, because they are wicked-good and simple to use to convey great concepts for living.
One of those core ideas is The Four Stages of Competence:
1. Unconscious incompetence:
You don’t know what you don’t know.
2. Conscious incompetence
You know that there is a lot you don’t know, and what some of it is.
3. Conscious competence
You know what you know, if you think about it, or focus on it.
4. Unconscious competence
You live what you know, it has become part of who you are.
To me, level 4 is “be the person who does the things,” or mastery. An ideal in many cases.
However, steps 2 and 3 are critically important as well. Step 2, because you realize you need work, and step 3, because you realize you need to practice modeling and trying out “being the person,” so you can internalize it.
When you are in level 1, though, and you are simply aping behavior because it’s what you see successful people doing, without further thought, that’s when it gets you in trouble.
Like so many PUAs I’ve met and interacted with through the years.
You get this guy who always “gets chicks,” so he decides to teach people how to do this. And it gets broken down into “here are the things to do,” rather than “here is the person who has success with these things when they are done.”
And I do the same, I admit.
Because I can’t imprint me on you (even if I would, even if you would want that), and so when I say something like “Fuck NO, I Will NOT Compromise!,” it really only works for ME the way it does because I have internalized the entire philosophy and behaviors that make this work.
If you suddenly decided to stop compromising at all in your relationships without the support systems of compassion and honesty, and creativity and a desire to work WITH your partner in finding the best outcome for everyone, you are probably going to crash and burn, big time.
But, if you read that, and said, “Hmmm. That sounds interesting. I’m going to learn more,” and you read more on the idea, collected data on both sides, thought more about communication, and really aligned yourself with the possibility, then you’d want to start “doing the things,” or practicing and trying it out before you can become a master, “who does the things,” without effort.
This is for everything that we learn or want to learn.
Want to be a dominant? Watch what other dominants do. Those you respect, to potentially model yourself after, and those you don’t to avoid what you see as their mistakes (or just not your style). Research and learn what it means to others to be dominants, and choose the framework that supports YOUR dominance.
Want to be Submissive? Same.
Actor? Pick-Up Artist? Comedian? Hypnotist? Politician? Businessperson? Parent?
All of these things have a learning curve.
And the four stages of competence apply. So, sometimes, you won’t feel like you’ll ever “be the person,” so “doing the things” will be the best you can get.
And frankly, you’ll probably be fine.