Do what works.

Do what works.

I don’t preach nonmonogamy (although I sometimes want to). In fact, I’ve said it before, poly or nonmonogamy are not for everyone.

I personally love being nonmonogamous. It’s led to amazing experiences for myself and my loved ones. So, sure, sometimes, I want to tell people that they can be as hoppy and slutty as I am…but it’s not about that, and I know that wouldn’t make everyone happy.

I know people who are happily monogamous. I know people who are happily nonmonogamous. I know people who were one, then the other, still happily.

And I know people who are unhappy in their relationships, no matter the shape and form.

Nonmonogamy is just one part of a relationship.

It’s a part that is not really discussed or represented well in our wider culture, though, so I often write about it, with an eye towards demystifying and examining.

It’s not about telling YOU how you should relate.

Because, how could it be? I don’t know you, I don’t know what’s best for you, and frankly, I don’t care how you choose to do relationships, unless you are doing them with me.

At least not in a specific way.

There are things I do care about, though, in a more general way.

  1. That people learn more about nonmonogamy, to understand nonmonogamous people better.

Just like we learn about other cultures and religions and even history, understanding different ways of life and how people live them can help us be kinder to each other.

  1. That there are plenty of sources of good/ethical nonmonogamy information from many perspectives.

That people who are interested in nonmonogamy have good sources of information from people who do it well, and have found the love and connections they have always wanted. That there are many different perspectives, to show people that there is no WON TWOO WAY to do nonmonogamy.

  1. That people create relationships that work.

That anyone and everyone, mono and nonmono alike, have the opportunity (dare I say the inspiration?) to learn more about different types of relationships to create the BEST one for themselves and their partner(s), rather than simply living and loving by default.

It’s that last one that I’m really focused on today.

Someone said in a comment on one of my posts:

I’ve found most advice for ENM works great for intentional and non-toxic monogamy as well.

This is SO TRUE.

The key is intentional.

Because our cultures socialize us to the ‘way to relationship,’ through how we see the people around us relate, through our religious texts, through music and movies and books, and…

But do we get the right messages?


Maybe not.

My message is never intended to be, “YOU MUST BE NONMONOGAMOUS.”

In fact, it is the opposite.

You must not MUST be anything.

Do what works for you and your partner(s).

What works will change over time.

You will change over time.

Your partner(s) will change over time.

You may change your partner(s) as well.

And there are SO MANY ways to live and love. Many that would work for me in various situations and many that never would, but might work for you.

I can only really share my own experiences and thoughts, and so I do. I do so because sharing feels good to me, because people tell me that I inspire them to think, or help them discover new ways of being in love and connecting and communicating. I do because when I share, I get feedback and I learn more, too. I do because sharing teaches me about myself as I try to put who I am and how I think into words.

And lastly, I do because I am selfish, and I want to believe that I prod people to THINK. And that is what matters most to me.

Not that they (you) agree with me.

But that you paused for even an instant and THOUGHT.

Even if you go back to what you have been doing, even if that is something that I would never do and never agree with for myself…if you’ve paused to think, then whatever you choose after that is just a bit more intentional. You’ve CHOSEN it over the other options offered.

And whether that is monogamy or nonmonogamy, maybe it’s just a bit better for you. More ethical, more consensual, more filled with joy and happiness and communication and understanding.

And that’s what I preach:

Do what works.

What are your thoughts?

Do you identify as monogamous or as nonmonogamous?

What have you learned from the other side that has helped your relationships thrive, if anything?

Do you believe that there is more to learn from the other kinds of relationships out there and the people in them, regardless of whether you share their same relationship style?

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Defiant Enough

I made this meme years ago based on something a friend said to me. I thought it was catchy, and it is. But it’s not

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