Yes, that is mean to be link-bait-y.
It amuses me to mock some of these things sometimes.
I am also being pretty serious.
Let me back up a bit.
A few days ago a friend of mine who I deeply respect and I were having a bit of a kvetch-fest, and she said to me:
Partner selection fixes 70% of basic bitch relationship problems.
I agreed, and said, “I keep telling people this. I’d go as high as 90%. I feel very strongly about that.”
Earlier this week, I talked about how asking “Could I have a healthy relationship with [insert-type-of-person-here] is the wrong question, and that having good boundaries and maintaining them is key.
And this is really just another facet of that.
As my friend also said (and I agreed with):
The secret is it’s all selfish. I just surround myself with people who want what I want. LOL!
People who respect our boundaries and who want what we want.
Reduces drama. Hurt. Frustration. Arguments. Angst. Sadness. Friction.
Reduces pretty much all of the bad stuff.
And it increases pretty much all the good stuff:
Companionship. Agreeableness. Happiness. Acceptance. Love. Belonging. Connection.
And so on.
The challenge is that we often pick our partners based on what we think we can get. Or on what we think we should want.
Rather than what actually adds value to our lives.
We end up in relationships of habit, or of assumptions, rather than intentionally creating relations that fill us and give us room to grow. And we choose people that seem good on paper, or that our parents would approve of, or who will serve our social needs, rather than the people who fit us well and love us madly.
What are your thoughts?
Before I ask the questions, let me note: partner selection in this case does not mean you re perfect, or that your every relationship lasts forever. But that you pick partners who you can enjoy a relationship with and you can disentangle with, without doing major harm to each other out of spite…
How important is partner selection to you? What percentage of basic bitch relationship problems do you think it fixes? 70%, like my friend suggested? 90% like I say? Or something else entirely?
Are you willing to share any additional thoughts you have on the topic?