So, as often happens, I’ve had quite a few conversations over the past week about one topic:
Jealousy within romantic relationships.
And in those discussions, the conclusion I’ve arrived at is that jealousy is really a form of romantic entitlement. Yes, it includes envy. Yes, it includes fear. But mostly, it seems to me to be the belief that one person has more of a right to another person’s time/sexy stuff/love/whathaveya than another person.
- the fact of having a right to something.
- the amount to which a person has a right.
- the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.
So, can this be true? Can one person have a right to another person? Well, no. Not in my world.
But can we believe we have a right to another person?
And we feel jealousy when we feel that entitlement. Because when someone else gets what we feel we deserve, we have fear.
I am not knocking jealousy. At all.
Hell, everyone has a right to their feelings. Even feelings that might encourage us to do bad things have a place in our lives. Because they tell us where we can work on ourselves.
So, when you feel jealousy, embrace it. Realize what it’s telling you. That you need more. Want more. And could possibly let go of your need and desire to control others more.
Oh, and it could also possibly let you know that you need to give more.
That is, you may feel like you deserve more time and attention from someone… but you don’t. No matter how long you have been in someone’s life, no matter how much you have given in the past, there is no ‘deserve.’ There is earn.
A relationship is a transaction, and every person gets to determine the value of their attention for themselves.
Yes, they may feel you’ve built up “bank” of attention, but you do not have an inherent right to claim that. It is always and 100% theirs to give.
So, perhaps, if you feel like you are not getting enough attention from someone, it’s time to step up your game. Or realize that they don’t see as much value in what you offer as you do. Or, just possibly, begin to understand that they may not be a good match for you, if that’s what it takes.
And jealousy/romantic entitlement is a very strong feeling. Hard to miss. It can be like broadsword running you through to point out that you have a sliver in your finger.
And because it’s easy to feel, it’s easy to use to pinpoint any potential areas of fear and need in your relationship.
How are you with jealousy? Feel it a lot? Not much? What really gets you going? Do you use jealousy to learn more about yourself and your relationships?