Vetting Is Only As Good As The People You Trust, Not The People They Trust

Vetting Is Only As Good As The People You Trust, Not The People They Trust

A few days ago, I wrote about trust, and how my definition of trust in kink and love and community is a different thing than I’ve encountered with many people.

So, when I ask someone about another person, and they say, “I trust them,” “They are a good person,” or “Go for it,” without additional clarification, I have to wonder if I’m asking the right person.

Because I don’t know what their version of trust really is.

And do I trust that person to tell me everything they might know or feel about someone who might be popular, or have power in the kink community, or who they may want to curry favor with?

Do I trust them…

  • …to tell me about that rumor they heard, but discounted because cray-cray?
  • …to mention that thing that happened that they didn’t share with anyone with that person?
  • …to confess they’ve had a bad feeling in their gut for no obvious reason?
  • …to admit they “trust” them for this, but certainly, absolutely, never for that?
  • …to share that watching them play (or speak or whatever) once rubbed them the wrong way, and have avoided THAT kind of contact since?

Do I trust this person to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and even the might-be-truth-but-I-can’t-prove it-truth?

If not, they are not the one I should ask, and my safety is now not only not more safe if they fail in those things, but is less safe, because now I have a FEELING of safety, with potentially unsafe issues to back it up.

So, it’s not about who your friends trust to play. It’s about who you trust to answer a sometimes very tough and complicated question about someone you might want to play with.

A couple other writings on references and getting them:

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