It’s at the core of all that we claim to do in kink, and yet, the more I dig into the relationships people have and what they say versus what they do, the more I realize that, for me, trust is not what it is to others.
For example, I generally assume that if I meet you and you smile at me, you are not going to stalk me after that one meeting and axe-murder me in my sleep.
But that’s not trust.
That’s simply absence of evidence.
It seems like that’s how many people build trust: Absence of evidence of evil and badness, as opposed to positive evidence of rightness and goodness.
I can ‘have a good feeling,’ ‘like their energy,’ and even ‘get great reviews from others,’ about someone I’ve just met, but until I’ve known them for a while, and interacted quite a lot, I do not trust them.
Trust: I can count on this person to meet my needs before their wants, at least while with me.
- My need to feel safe before their desire to get off.
- My need to feel heard before their instinct to defend themselves.
- My need to connect on an intimate level before their excitement for edge play.
- My need for the truth over their fear of… whatever.
The list goes on… it’s extensive, and I don’t trust many people, not with a capital T: Trust.
And for my community, I define trusting a person as being able to reliably say that I’ve seen this person put other’s needs before their wants, repeatedly.
I guess my point is this:
When someone asks you about someone else, do you REALLY think about whether you trust them or just have non-negative experiences?
Do you communicate that clearly? Or do you take the easy path?
Is it easy to say, “I trust them,” when what we really mean is, “I feel good around them and there is an absence of badness evidence, so far, in our interactions”?
But what if you paused and thought about the GOOD, the above and beyond you have seen them do? Do you have that kind of experiences with them? The kind where they put the needs of others before their wants?
Many times? Often? Regularly? Consistently? Over a period of time?
Because, to me, that’s where the trust is.