People Ask Me How I Learned To Write So Well

People Ask Me How I Learned To Write So Well

A lot.

I also get things like this:

My opinion: you are a drama queen and a liar who feels little support in her daily life and, in the past, wrote pieces that presented interesting ideas from a well placed moral and ethical standing. The last few months though have been mostly lazy, insensitive garbage in the OP with a slapped together “fuck you” version of what your OP once was. It is sad when a good writer falls into lazy bandwagon pieces and I do genuinely want to see you take the time to edit your OP before posting and have people understand you without feeling hurt or offended first.


Anyways, you do you, boo. It’ll probably pay off because you’re attractive enough that people will agree with you regardless 😉

So, I take flattery of my writing with a grain of salt.

You know what I take seriously, though?

When people say that what I wrote came at just the right time for them.

When they say I gave them a new way of thinking about things that helped them in a tough time.

When they tell me that they are sharing something I wrote with someone they love (or an entire community), to help communicate something.

So, please understand that this is where I’m coming from when I offer you today what I do to write the way I do and as often as I do.

Take what you want from this, or nothing at all.


The first, and single most important thing for my writing is:

Write Often

I write most every day. Entries here. Responses to private messages. My books. Instructions. Even handwritten letters to friends around the world.

I often find myself putting writing above other priorities on a day when time is short, and when I miss out on writing, I feel it. Like I missed something important that day.

I didn’t start that way.

I used to write when I had to, and for a specific purpose.

One day (3 years ago, maybe?) I decided that I would write and post 3 times a week on anything. I think I managed 1-2 a week. Now, I’m closer to 3-4 times a week posting here on FetLife, when I’m not traveling, on top of my other writing tasks.

Start Writing, Even When Inspiration Is Not There

When I sit down to write, I always have a topic I can write on (more on that later).

I don’t always feel the spark.

There are days I’ll start writing, and feel like it’s not going anywhere, so I’ll take what I wrote, add it to my notes, and move onto something else.

I Write As I Think Or I Think As I Write

This sometimes gets me in trouble, just as speaking as you think (or thinking as you speak) might.

Because sometimes my thoughts are not as clear as they could be and are delivered awkwardly.

However, more often than not, it allows me to get some really impressive ideas out that I would never come to, if I sat and waited to have my ideas fully formed before I tried communicating them.

“The person who says he knows what he thinks but cannot express it usually does not know what he thinks.” — Mortimer Adler

In fact, there is science on learning that says if you want to understand something better, to learn it deeper, teach it (share it) with someone else. Then, look for gaps in your understanding through the lens of their understanding, and refine.

When I write, I’m often doing so to learn more about my own thoughts and refine them.

Save Ideas

Ideas are everywhere for writings. Conversations, articles I read, books I enjoy.

I save the ideas when they come to me.

I take photos of pages in physical books to remind me of a passage I found interesting. Ditto with screenshots of eBooks.

I have a folder where I put ideas. Any idea, any topic. Sometimes, I’ll write 30 lines of outline, then put it away for years before I take it out again.

But it’s always there.

I have a writing calendar.

One topic per day, every weekday and a reminder for posting a new #KinkIn15 challenge every Sunday.

If I miss a day, it usually goes to the end of the line, which is right now sometime in June 2019.

This topic was originally scheduled for December 24. I hadn’t moved it yet, and I hadn’t really expected to write today, but I felt like this was a better day for it, since I skipped it over before.

My calendar and idea folders assure I am never at a loss for something to write about.

Take Criticism

I do this a lot.

Sometimes, I do it more gracefully than other times. I’m actually working on that.

But to take criticism, I have to do one thing that many people who want to write will never do—share my work.

I make my writings public, and I learn from what people say (even when I don’t like it, or when I think they are jerkwad meany-pants).

Strive To Be Better

Better is not a steady progression upward.

At least not for me.

It’s always been a series of fits and starts.

And I have a lot of personal flaws to overcome.

I do work on it, though. Both my writing directly (taking a Masterclass from Malcolm Gladwell on writing this month), and my communicating with people who comment.

I recently took a free online class at: after taking a test saying that I am in the 87th percentile for openmidedness, and I could improve that through some training.

(The test is here.)

I learned a lot.

I’ll retake it again in a few weeks. Then I’ll probably write about it as I see it relating to love, sex, romance, and kink. And, eventually, I’ll get better.

I will still fuck up. Sometimes spectacularly.

Overall, though, the trajectory will be upwards.

I Have A Clear Reason

I write to connect with others, to share ideas and to learn.

So, if I make a mistake, I still move towards my goal. If someone disagrees with me, I am still sharing ideas.

My writing has enabled me to connect with and meet people across the country and around the world as I travel. To make friends that I may not meet in person for years, but when we do, there is a sense of companionship and familiarity from the first moment.

It’s not to get rich (ha!). It’s not to be famous (also ha!). It’s not to create a cult (that’s a responsibility I have no desire for, TYVM).

As I said yesterday, and realized just this moment in relation to this piece, writing is something I do for me and can control.

I can CHOOSE to write and grow, or I can choose not to. I choose to. I make it a priority.

Your Mileage May Vary

There is so much more I need and want to learn. So many improvements I want to make, in my writing and in my humanity.

Where I am? You may be WAY beyond that. If so, and you’re willing to share some of your tips, I’m all ears.

You may be way behind me. If so, please take what you can and be easy on yourself. It’s incredibly rare that change happens overnight (and that usually at great cost).

You may be laughing at my audacity for even writing this (or anything). That’s OK, too.

For those who wondered, though, for those who’ve asked or didn’t have the nerve to… I hope I’ve answered. If not, please feel free to ask for clarification.

Happy New Year to all of you.

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