How is kink different from abuse?
This is a totally fair question.
After all, many mainstream media depictions (including porn) give the impression that the person “in charge” of the scene or relationship (usually the top, dominant, master, or owner) has all of the power, and the other partner(s) are helpless, having waived their right to say “No,” or reject orders.
In the words of the famous commercial, “That’s not how this works. That’s not how ANY of this works.”
People who identify as kinky are generally doing so with the unspoken assumption of consent.
In short terms, this means that everything done in kink is negotiated and agreed to by ALL parties involved before it happens.
Let me say that again:
Everything done in kink is negotiated and agreed to by ALL parties involved before it happens.
The “all” in there is a pretty important part of the sentence. Many people focus on the bottom, receiver or submissive as the vulnerable partner, since they are the ones being acted upon. The ones ceding power, being hit, hurt, humiliated, tied up—whatever their fancy.
And that’s fair. After all, these are usually the more vulnerable parties in kink and elsewhere.
However, for something to be consensual kink, ALL parties involved must consent.
That means that even though it may not be obvious, because they seem to have all the power, the top, giver, or dominant must also consent to what is happening as well, and has just as much power (I would argue more, but that’s a different topic) to withhold consent as the bottom/receiver/submissive.
So, consensual kink, usually just referred to as “kink” by those who practice it always allows for anyone to withdraw consent at any time.
This might be by setting limits in the negotiations.
It might be by saying “No” at some point in the play.
A safeword may be negotiated to slow down or stop a scene at any point.
Usually, in kink, ways to END any play are discussed quite thoroughly, expectations are set about how ending might work, and if consent is ever withdrawn, things are ended quickly and happily.
Well, happily is an ideal.
After all, there are times when neither partner wants to end an amazing scene, but it’s required. Like a cramp, or a sudden feeling of illness, an overwhelming emotion that doesn’t belong, or digits going numb (during bondage or rope play, say).
There’s more to say, and I’ll continue this is another installment in the future, but of course, I’d love YOUR feedback and thoughts.
