In January 2021, I presented the topic “Talk Dirty to Me” for Dating Kinky. The original presentation was free to all who joined us live, and was recorded for Dating Kinky’s PLUS members to access through the Dating Kinky Library (over 400 videos and 550 hours of content!).
Here is a clip from that 90-minute show, where I talk about how paying attention to our partners does 90% of the dirty talk work for us.
Here’s the thing, though:
There are ways to pick up on what people are going to respond to in dirty talk, that are kind of sneaky, but super awesome.
And in order to talk a little bit about this, I’m going to talk about behavior modification
and hypnosis for just a bit.
Now those of you who don’t know me, “Hi, I’m Nookie. I’m the founder of DatingKinky.com. I went to Thailand in January of 2017 (oops! ’18), to go to a sexual hypnosis and slave training seminar.”
Like this is how geeky I am.
I go to seminars all the way around the world, just so that I can dive deeper into like sexual geekery, right?
Like, this is who I am as a person and I love, love, love, love behavior modification.
And to me, hypnosis is like behavior modification on crack, right?
Like, you can take it and you can just like, really get super fast, super strong results, quickly. Now, I will tell you, I actually prefer the sort of longer, drawn-out way because as those behaviors settle in over time and over years, it really creates indelible lasting change.
However, hypnosis has its place and I actually have I’ve written a couple of hypnosis scripts that I’ve put out there for people to do things like learn how to trust your instincts again, how to trust your gut again, things like that.
Because I think these things are important and they give you a good head start.
But here’s the thing:
So out of this seminar that I went to, the first three or four days was not teaching us how to make slaves of other people. It was teaching us how to remove the bonds of slavery that we have put on ourselves in our own minds as a result of how we’ve been socialized and the hurts that we’ve experienced in our lives and our own insecurities.
So, it was kind of like, you know—clean out your own neuroses before you go installing them into other people—type of thing.
And so we were pairing up so we would sit and we would like learn a little bit and then we would pair up with somebody and we would talk with them a little bit and we would have to essentially off-the-cuff create a script for them that would get into their head and help them get past whatever it is that, you know, they were trying to get past, and in some cases, like, we didn’t need to know what they were trying to get past.
What we needed to know was, how did they want to feel? This is a key.
How did they want to feel?
And what words did they use to describe that?
And can you guess what you would do with those words as something—when you say to somebody “In this scene tonight,” or “When we have sex,” even just over dinner, you know like, “When we were having sex, the other night, I’d love to know more about how you feel, how you felt, like, describe how you felt. Like, when, you know, when I was holding your hair and when I was doing this, how did you feel?”
What do you think you do with those words?
You give them back to them.
When they say, “I just felt so submissive, I felt so safe. I felt like, you know, you were so powerful and strong and I felt so needy and I felt like your little slut.”
You give those words back.
That’s how you fucking get dirty talk.
Yes, start with their words.
I mean no, you start with, “Oh God, oh God, holy fuck,” because you know, you’ve already got those words, right?
That’s where you start right now.
But have those conversations—and it doesn’t have to be specifically about dirty talk.
Because when you say to somebody, “What would you like to hear during dirty talk?”
A lot of them, they’re going to go, “I don’t know something hot. Like, I want to hear her like you have power over me. I don’t know. I’d…”
Like yeah, but when you say, you know, how, you’re going to finally do that scene, you say, you know, “How do you want to feel during this? What do you imagine feeling?”
And then you feed that back to them.
What colors do they talk about?
How do they talk about themselves?
How do they talk about their body?
How does their body feel?
And then you look for times to give that back to them.
You know, if they say like my Pet.
He says, he feels more feminine when I peg him.
Now, I will be clear:
I do not feel he is feminine when I peg him.
I know what it’s like to fuck a girl, and that is not it. Like he is a strong, crazy like a
bucking bronco, like a beast.
He is not feminine by any stretch of the imagination.
But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that’s how he wants to feel, that’s how it makes him feel and so I can give him words that he identifies as feminine in his social upbringing and use them to help him
experience that more strongly.
Help him live that experience more fully.
And he can give us those words.
It’s like they’re doing 90% of our homework for us if we just pause and listen.
Pause and listen.
What a concept.
I really do think that 90% of connection and sexuality and things to do with humans is just “pause and listen.”
But when it comes to dirty talk and dominance, and getting into people’s heads, it’s even more just “pause and listen.”
Because they will tell you what you need to know.
They will tell you and they will show you.
How to love them.
How to turn them on.
How to connect with them.
What they hate.
And, really, when it comes right down to it, they will tell you exactly who they are.
But rarely do we just pause and listen.
Instead, we make up stories in our heads about people, and we use those as a template for interaction. Or we make assumptions based on how they look or how they identify, or…
We are so focused on what we want, what we are going to say next, our own insecurities that what they say and do is just background noise to our neuroses.
And so we miss out on so much potential and connection and dirty talk possibilities!
(Note: Remember, I always say that to modify someone else’s behavior, first you have to modify your own.)
So, maybe, whether or not you want to dirty talk someone, try asking them questions about how they think and feel about the sexy and kinky and even vanilla things that you do together, and take a moment to really pause and listen.
And really take it in. Absorb what they give you about themselves.
And if you don’t do that often, pay attention to what you begin to notice when you put yourself right there for them.
What are your thoughts?
Do you take the time to really just pause and listen often?
What do you learn when you do that you miss when you are more on auto-pilot?
How do you use that in your connecting and your kinky/sexy play?
Here is a fun video I created about ten months ago on getting started with Dirty Talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SAtWcxMCm4
You can watch the whole “Talk Dirty to Me” presentation here FREE: https://datingkinky.com/nookie-presents