“So, what is this? Are we in a relationship? Dating? What?”

“So, what is this? Are we in a relationship? Dating? What?”

Someone in one of the poly groups I participate in on Facebook posted a link to an article:

5 Signs That He’s Just Not That Into You

Aside from the overall ick factor of making assumptions, instead of just asking, the big bugabear for me was the part that said:

“They’ll make everything out to be casual and say things like, ‘let’s not think about it” or “let’s just see where this goes naturally.’

They insist that your persistence in defining what the two of you are is an overreaction and you need to “chill out.”

They’re wrong. You don’t need to calm down, but you do need to move on.”

I agree with the premise that if a person invalidates your feelings that they are not for you, and you should move on.

However, isn’t insisting upon a label when someone doesn’t yet feel comfortable with a label just invalidating their feelings in return?

The deeper message here is: If they don’t commit to a label you want, they don’t like you.

They aren’t “into you,” whatever that means.

I call bullshit.

Let me tell you a bit about me: I live a crazy life. Between running a startup (and managing information technology and coding WAY above my pay grade—which is exactly $0 from that right no) and having a busy social life, teaching, traveling, and generally experiencing life, my time is valuable to me.

HOWEVER, and this is a big however, I am not generally a “fools rush in” type when it comes to relationships.

Partially because I just can’t get super deep super fast, because I don’t have the time.

Partially because it’s not in my nature.

And mostly because I understand that how people act (consistently or non-) over time tells me more about them than their words at the start of a relationship.

So labels don’t work well with me, at least not for the first… 6-12 months or so.

And it’s not that I devalue a need to understand where we could be going (although I’m not sure I can grok that earlier than it becomes clear). I’m happy to discuss the possibilities and what I’m open to.

It’s just that I don’t get it.

If I make time in my life for you, I’m into you.

Now, I guess it may not be that way with everyone.

Some people may enjoy frittering away and wasting their time.

I don’t.

I spend time on people I value.

YOU, I value. I write for YOU, whoever you are, reading this. I value you. And if you write to me, I will answer, because I value you. And if we keep writing, you will know I continue to value you, because I am making time with you a priority.

And If I make time in my life to meet you for tea, to hang out for lunch, to go to a meal and chat, it’s because I value you.

If I go on a date with you, hiking with you, travel with you, it’s because I value you.

If I invite you places with my friends and I, even if you can’t make it, it’s because I enjoy your presence.

My value, my “into you” does not need a label for me to feel it and be 100% sincere.

If you need a label…

I will work hard to discuss that with you, and come up with something. I may not be able to give you an answer you want or are satisfied with, and I’m sorry if that happens.

It does not mean I’m not into you, although it may well mean I am not showing you I’m into you in a way that FEELS right to you, and that’s OK.

I dunno.

It just set me off on a rant, this one, I guess.

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