“Don’t just tell me I’m pretty over and over. The first time I’ll smile. After a while, it just gets tedious, and I won’t respond. Be more creative.”
Or something to that effect. She was discussing “Words of Affirmation,” one of the love languages.
Later, she and I talked a bit about how we feel about compliments, and what makes a compliment worth getting to us, and interestingly enough, my Pet and I had had a similar conversation just the day before, in relation to a shared event.
Today, a few more thoughts came together (from a Polyamory group on FB and some writings of David Shade), and I was inspired to write about it. *smiles*
1. Don’t bother with being smooth. Be authentic.
Actually, being authentic often (not always, for sure) comes across as being smooth, so you have a bonus there.
Go for being 100% authentic and genuine, and smooth may come along.
If you go for being smooth, however, your authenticity will always be questioned.
2. Say it when you mean it.
Give a compliment when you’re thinking of it. My ex complimented a girl one night on her eyebrows, and she developed a crush on him that lasted for years. Always had a smile for him when she saw him, hung on his every word…
Because he said what he thought when he thought it. Right there. In front of her friends, in a crowded bar. He didn’t try to get her alone, so he wouldn’t feel silly…
3. Be creative.
You don’t use the same word over an over in your head. Don’t use the same one over and over in your compliments.
“You are amazing,” no matter how true and authentic it is, will get tiring if it’s said morning, noon, and night.
Try other words.
- Crazy Hot
And so on.
It’s easy to get stuck, and use the same word, it becomes habitual and feels that way, too. Try to look for other options.
4. Compliment what makes them unique to you.
“You’re pretty” or “You’re hot” is nice. Very sweet. We love to hear it… But it’s not much of a compliment, in the long run.
Because it could be said to EVERY human on and off Fetlife, without changing a single word.
It’s generic. And it makes the receiver feel generic as well.
“You have startlingly beautiful eyes” is a bit more personal.
5. Don’t just compliment physical appearance.
Look at it this way, if someone is good-looking enough that you want to compliment them, it’s entirely possible that others have also wanted to compliment them for the same thing. A hundred gazillion times.
And sure, it’s nice to hear it from someone new, or someone they care about, but they probably have other amazing aspects of themselves that get lost.
- “When you smile, it’s contagious! I love your positive personality!”
- “You have a great sense of humor. I love laughing with you.”
- “Our community is better because you’re in it.”
- “Your work is always spot on. I know I never have to double check what you turn in.”
6. Don’t add modifiers.
“For your age,” for example is a terrible way to ruin a compliment, even for someone like me who is THRILLED to be my age.
(Personal story: My mother passed away at 42. I’m 42, and in February, I officially lived longer than my mother. It was bitter sweet, as I know how much fun I’m having, and I wish she could have enjoyed more of her own life… but I’m loving getting older, for that reason and many more.)
If someone looks amazing, they look amazing.
If someone is smart, they are smart, regardless of their age, looks, race, apparent maturity, etc.
Another modifier is, “I don’t usually like…”
7. Compliment them as you touch them.
If you are in an intimate relationship, or are close friends (or have consent), touch a person when you compliment them.
If you are sexually intimate, consider complimenting the body parts as you touch them.
- “I love your beautiful hair.” (as you run fingers through it)
- “These hips just stun me.” (as your hand slides across them)
- “This is an amazing, strong cock.” (as you stroke it)
For those familiar with the five love languages, this is particularly strong for those who love Words of Affirmation or Touch, or both.
8. Compliment what doesn’t come naturally.
When people put a lot of effort into things, they love to get compliments for it.
For example, I write. A LOT.
I love receiving compliments from people about my writing. Because I work on it. I try to write every day. When something I work so hard at touches people, it makes me smile all day long.
I made a new friend on here, noticing that she was very passionate about some research she was doing, and sent her a note saying that I thought it was amazing.
9. Figure out what they value about themself. Figure out what they think is important. Compliment that.
In this, you will need amazing observational skills, or need to take some time to get to know them, but it’s worth it.
Complimenting what people value is the most authentic you can be, because it shows you are connecting with them on their personal level.
Yes. Maybe not always easy, but it’s worth challenging yourself.
Hell, I’ll challenge you.
Compliment someone. Compliment 10 someones. Be authentic. be interested in them and their uniqueness. Connect.
Do it. Report back here if you feel comfortable.
But make people feel amazing today and every day.