In November of 2017, someone I’d been discussing dating challenges with sent me this message:
Also do you use kik? If so what’s your user name?
My reply was:
I don’t have any interest in moving to kik. I generally keep conversations with people I haven’t met in person on-site.
Your wording is quite presumptuous.
Okay sorry. I will leave you alone
I wrote back and told him that I was rejecting his proposal, and letting him know how his actions were inappropriate, not that I was rejecting him entirely as a person.
Hell, I don’t even really know him.
And this happens often enough that I usually don’t even think about it.
“Let’s move to text.”
“Oh, I’ll stop bothering you.”
That’s a perfect example.
I rejected a request (demand), not the entire dialog and interaction with that person.
This also happens in dating a lot:
“Are you free Friday night?”
“Not this Friday, I have plans.”
I’m not rejecting YOU. I’m rejecting that particular time slot, because I’ve already made plans.
That said, when people disappear, I don’t mind.
I figure if they are either insecure enough to take that personally, OR they don’t want to go out with me any day other than THAT FRIDAY (for whatever reason) then I don’t need them in my life.
And I’m still not rejecting them. I’m just not pursuing.
I think we’ve all taken things personally that really aren’t, and it’s worth a reminder.
When people reject an action, they are not necessarily rejecting you.
Case in point:
Just recently, I reached out to someone local who was getting a negative reputation, trying to discover if they deserved it, or were maybe just a bit awkward, and could use some guidance.
Their responses to me were full of deflection and casting blame and problematic words and suggestions, and eventually quite disturbing, rather than being open and willing to listen.
They took it personally. It was not meant that way at all.
However, once a day had passed, I found out that their machinations were far more than awkward, as they attempted to sow even more trouble with people who were not involved at all (and should never have been).
So, in that case, the fact that they were called on their actions triggered them to really show who they are, and they ARE toxic, not simply a bit misguided.
I’m rejecting your actions, not necessarily rejecting you.
That said, if you take it personally, sometimes it’s worth thinking over whether that action was appropriate, might be a pattern of behavior, or strikes a chord with who you are, in case you want to change.
Because often, your actions show the world who you are.