Writing A Great Rejection In Four Easy Steps (And Two Are Optional!)

Writing A Great Rejection In Four Easy Steps (And Two Are Optional!)

A cartoon girl holding hands out in front of herself, with an angry look of rejection.

Well, if any rejection can be great.

Maybe the title should be, “Writing A Rejection That Doesn’t Sting Any More Than It Has To To Get The Point Across In  Four Easy Steps (And Two Are Optional!),” but that’s reallllllly long, so I’mma stick with what I have.

I wrote a bit about rejection in my upcoming book, Dating Kinky.

Because, of course, rejection is a part of dating, and knowing how to both give it and take it more effectively makes dating sooooo much more pleasant.

You have a right to reject anyone for any reason.


Full stop.

Your life. Your rules.

That said, if you are going to reject someone, be clear, and whenever possible, be kind.

Four Easy Steps

  1. Start with a compliment about something (optional).
  2. Make the “No” early and clear.
  3. Give a reason (optional).
  4. If there is an opportunity for future contact or relationship, give the necessary information.

Start with a compliment about something (optional).

I usually say, “Thank you, I’m flattered,” which is a compliment to them. Or, “I’ve enjoyed our conversation,”

Something simple.

Make the “No” early and clear.

A simple, “No thanks, I’m not interested,” is fine. I also like, “I took a look at your profile, and don’t think we’d make a match. Best of luck to you.”

Give a reason (optional).

You don’t owe anyone a reason to reject them, especially not in online dating. So, you can certainly send a rejection without one.

However, I’ve found that giving a reason in the rejection itself cuts off many problematic behaviors, so I usually do:

  • Our communication styles are too different.
  • I’m not a submissive (!).
  • I’m not a pro.
  • I don’t engage in behaviors like that with people I’ve not connected with.
  • You expressed homophobia in your profile, and I don’t allow that in my life.

And so on. No judgment. No rudeness. Just reasons.

If there is an opportunity for future contact or relationship, give the necessary information.

In some cases, you might reject someone because of where you are in life. Or because of where you are in the world (can’t make that date Friday, because they are in Detroit, and you’re in Vladisvistok.

If you are open to another option, say so:

  • Over the next few months, I’m going to be dealing with the death of my mother, but if you’d like to try connecting again in January, I’d be happy to chat further.
  • I’m traveling right now, so Friday won’t work. How about two weeks from Friday, when I’m back in the states?
  • I don’t do online. Since you’re moving, why not let me know when you’re in my area and settled, and we’ll meet for tea and check the connection?

And so on.

Of course, you may always choose to not respond at all, or respond with, “Uh, EWWWW!” when appropriate, LOL!

That’s your right.

These are just my suggestions for those who prefer to be as kind as possible, and maybe believe a teensy little bit in karma.

More Posts

An image of words: “Becoming aware of privilege should not be viewed as a burden or source of guilt, but rather, an opportunity to learn and be responsible so that we may work toward a more just and inclusive world.” One section urges those who are “white,” “male,” “Christian,” “cisgender,” “able-bodied,” and/or “heterosexual” to “check your privilege,” which it defines as “unearned access to social power based on membership in a dominant social group.”

Why I Am Kind To Idiots…

A friend of mine posted on FB a little rant about education: There are a ton of memes that get passed around about how school

So, What Are You Into?

Do you ____? What do you like to do? Do you enjoy ____? I wrote a profile for a reason. If you approach me without

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *