At the end of February, I was in California for a bit and decided to share some amazing content from other voices in the kink world.
I loved being able to boost those voices, and the response was enthusiastic.
I was hoping that would be the case, because I really do want to share more content from other spaces in the community.
And so, today, I’d like to present some thoughts from a dear friend of mine in the cuckolding/FemDom space, Mistress K. The first time I heard her on a podcast, I knew we would be great friends, and I was right. In this piece, she shares some of her thoughts on single men in the cuckolding/hotwifing/swinging fill different needs with different actions.
I’d like to note that the terms used in here, specifically “bull” and “stallion” in reference to men make me genuinely uncomfortable from a personal standpoint. However, these are terms that are used commonly within the man-as-a-third lifestyles, and accepted and understood.
I tend to use the term “bullfriend,” specifically because it is more humanizing (to me), and I love the people I play with. However, there are no real substitutes used widely.
I’m not saying this to reduce Mistress K’s message in any way, but to let you know my own thoughts that may be similar to yours, especially in you are not a part of the lifestyles discussed.
And even taking away those terms and the lifestyle-specific references, there is something to be said for how well she breaks down what works for her and attracts her in her nonmonogamous relationships with single men.
Single Guys: Roles in the (Cuckolding/Hotwife/Swing) Lifestyles
What makes a Bull?
That’s a thought that I’ve been pondering a lot lately. It is different for every couple.
Personally, I am picky with whom I bestow that title. This is my own quirkiness that probably comes from disliking the way the word Bull is thrown around as a catch-all moniker for every guy who plays as a single man in the Lifestyle.
As Michael C from the Keys and Anklets podcast says, “there is a big difference between a man that wants to fuck your wife and a Bull.”
I take that statement a step further.
To me there is a difference between a man, who understands my hotwife/cuckold dynamic, and a man, who my husband and I are BOTH comfortable with taking on more of a dominant role in our presence.
Because, while I think there are many single guys that are suited to be playmates, not all are good candidates to be my Bull. Some are “stunt cocks” that can come in and fuck the hell out of me in front of my husband and also be perfectly respectful to both him and us as a couple.
However, are those same men suited to order my husband around, and would he be receptive to taking orders from that man?
So in my opinion, we have a variety of single guy types in the Lifestyle. How I interact with these men and how they, in turn, interact with me, determines which type I tend to view them.
There are Bulls-men who truly care about creating an experience for a couple and understand their role while also getting something out of it for themselves.
Playmates-experienced men who know how to play with couples or solo. While they may not connect with us in that dominant way, they are awesome play partners and create some very fulfilling encounters for me. These are my most consistent play partners, my repeat performers!
Occasionals- men with whom I just don’t connect on a level for consistent repeat play. These gentlemen might be really fun for an evening or two. They are great at building anticipation towards those initial play sessions, but they lack the spark to keep the sexual fire burning enough to keep me coming back regularly.
Another type that I often run into but rarely play with are the ones I like to call the Colts. Colts are single men, new to the lifestyle and still finding their feet. They often are too eager to run before they walk and remind me of a wobbly colt. They tend to make stupid mistakes in their eagerness and often just need to calm down learn to be patient and respectful. These guys can grow in the Lifestyle to eventually become a stallion in someone’s stable.
And finally, we have Douchenozzles- single men that aren’t reliable or who waste my time and ghost me or flat out lie to me. These men give all single men in the Lifestyle a bad name and are the predominant reason why many couples complain about or don’t play with single men. Any man can be downgraded from another category to the douchenozzle category if his actions prove him so.
For me, a Bull is someone who has an intimate connection with both me and my husband. He is someone who has shown consistent respect to us, both individually and as a couple. He is someone who has taken the time to learn our desires and kinks and seeks to find a way to fulfill them as well as satisfying his own wants and needs. He is more than just a man, who wants to fuck me because I’m married, although that can certainly be a big part of the appeal for him. He is a man who understands what he brings to the table and relishes his role in our dynamic. He is a giving man, in that he gives primacy to our fantasies and never seeks to supplant my husband’s role as my main emotional support.
Some men are uniquely suited for this role. It falls very naturally into their own sexual desires and proclivities. They tend to be educated, experienced, and very naughty. They have vivid imaginations and generous souls.
From my conversations with other hotwives and cuckold couples, we have discovered that there seems to be two common misunderstandings of what it takes to be a Bull, possibly as a result of too much bad cuckold and hotwife porn.
First, in a cuckold couple, there can be an element of erotic humiliation, which is not always the case for other dynamics.
This is where a lot of men might make a big mistake. They assume that a couple likes to engage in this type of kink or that a couple desires this type of play from every partner. No potential single guy will get anywhere with me if his messages come from a place of disrespect or if he assumes a role he hasn’t earned.
Second, when men message me, they often assume that the primary requisite for a Bull is the enormity of their penis size. And while I prefer a man with a larger penis than my husband’s, MY primary size requirement is actually the expanse of his intelligence.
Sex educators and therapists have long argued that the brain is the biggest sex organ, and a decent Bull has a very large organ where this is concerned.
He takes the time to learn my desires, turn-ons and needs and then uses that information to keep the excitement going. If successful, a Bull can make me wet from his words alone in a digital conversation. The men who earn reputations for being a good Bull know their value and are in high demand. Whereas men who don’t put in the effort will always find themselves being passed over for this role.
There are many factors when a single gentleman plays with a couple.
I wouldn’t want to create the impression that a single gentleman should expect to jump through a thousand arbitrary hoops just for the privilege of having sex with a married woman.
However, several single guys have asked me, “how can I be your Bull” or “what do I have to do to be a Bull for a couple?”
My answer is always, “be patient” and understand that while you might be a Bull for one couple you won’t necessarily fill that role for me. The decision of whether a couple chooses to call you their Bull does not rest with you. Some men start as playmates and can transition into the role of a Bull. Some have that energy from the start.
Can a playmate elevate his status from casual playmate to Bull?
Absolutely, but he has to take the time to get to know us both together and individually. Not only learning our fantasies, but also he needs to adapt to the style of communication that works for us. Some couples prefer to communicate together, other couples may do a vetting process through the spouse and then the hotwife or cuckoldress takes over.
I really feel that the key to a good dynamic with a Bull is the beneficial relationship of three, involving a confluence of energy, communication, sexual desire and consent for everyone involved.
It takes time to build that kind of relationship, but the benefits can be incredible.
So how does a guy get to become my Bull?
Short answer. When we decide he is.
While that may sound arrogant, we as the couple have the most to lose if something goes sideways.
The longer answer is, when he has put in the work to establish a relationship with both of us and shown he is willing to experiment. When he earns our trust and approval by showing his consistent respect for our dynamic as well as inspiring us to greater levels of naughtiness, then we will think of him as a Bull.
Single men are wonderful and important members of this Lifestyle.
However, I get turned off when they market themselves as Bulls and assume they will fulfill that role for me from the beginning.
Instead, I prefer for them to present themselves as respectful single gentlemen, who are open for exploration and fun. When the right gentleman and the right couple connect, the labels will take care of themselves.
We have a playmate that I have been playing with since 2019. I’ve always considered him a good playmate, but more of an equal in terms of mental dominance. However as my relationship with him has evolved, we have helped each other experiment with our respective kinks. He has been the one playmate that has really put in the work with my husband. My husband is a very busy man and a bit of an introvert, and as such, he prefers that I am the primary communicator with my playmates. While this particular gentleman has respected that, he has also taken the time to establish an open line of communication with my husband, such as touching base after a play date and checking in on us as a couple. He has, in many ways, set the bar for what respect towards my husband looks like.
Because of my personal kink exploration with him and because of the COVID limitations, my husband and I have explored and pushed the limits of our cuckolding fantasies with him as a safe outlet. We know that communication and respect will always be there.
We know that he fully understands our fantasies and desires, which we have shared because of the previous work he has put in. He is willing to fulfill our desires and pursue his own by taking more of a dominant role with both of us in these scenes.
So that’s what being a Bull means for me.
I don’t toss that term around lightly, because that man will have a relationship with both of us as a couple. I believe there is room for all types of interactions in this Lifestyle.
Even if a guy wants to play with me, he won’t necessarily desire to fill the role of a Bull for us. It takes time to develop that kind of relationship.
I love the fun, trust, and exploration we have with our Bull, however I’m self aware enough to know that I’m a total slut!
I want more sex with a lot of variety.
I get that variety by playing with all types of single men. I revel in the easy camaraderie of regular Playmates with their friends-with-benefits vibe, and I appreciate the spontaneity of playing with Occasionals.
Hence, I may have a lot of sexual partners, but I only have one Bull.
(Originally posted at https://headstronghotwife.com/single-guys-roles-in-the-lifestyles )
What are your thoughts?
Do you enjoy a nonmonogamous lifestyle that includes interacting with single men in a similar way? How do you relate to the ideas expressed here?
What resonated with you and what did not?