Why do kink?

Well, I do it because it’s fun.

And fulfilling.

And adventurous.

It’s also full of learning and growth and connection and love and sexy times…

Just like being kinky, the benefits of doing kink look slightly different to everyone.

Today, as I was working on this book, a friend asked me, “For you. What has the [kink] lifestyle brought to you? No. Not referring to sex.”

Over five years ago, I wrote “Fuck YEAH! I’m in it for the SEX!” which, if going only by the title would NOT be an answer to their question, but is actually the perfect response.

I’ll share it with you.

Fuck YEAH! I’m in it for the SEX!

A friend in my feed posted this a few hours ago:

On the surface, it seems like this is a question that could help separate the wheat from the chaff, for many. Or the posers from the “real deal,” perhaps.

However, I see this as a “No True Scotsman” argument:

No True Scotsman

A general claim may sometimes be made about a category of things. When faced with evidence challenging that claim, rather than accepting or rejecting the evidence, such an argument counters the challenge by arbitrarily redefining the criteria for membership into that category.

This quote is arbitrarily defining what a dominant is, by suggesting that one of the amazing perks we get out of what we do is somehow a less valid reason than others.

Another implied fallacy is the “Guilt By Association” argument:

Guilty by Association

Guilt by association is discrediting an argument for proposing an idea that is shared by some socially demonized individual or group.

In this case, by linking dominants who require sex as part of their dominance with the attributes of HNGs (Horny Net Geeks), predators, and all manner of other people “doing it rong, because, well, sex,” this quote is suggesting that the reason is invalid.

Bullshit.

I’ll say this for the record:

Fuck YEAH! I’m in it for the SEX!

Here’s the thing: BDSM, for me, is sexual. It’s a turn on. Dominance is fun. It’s also work and responsibility. A lot of responsibility. We dominants provide (in no particular order):

• Mental well-being
• Goal attainment
• Affection (often deep love)
• Physical release
• Objective views
• Behavior correction
• Physical punishment
• Protocol
• Task lists (and follow-up)
• Leadership
• Paradigm shifts
• Structure
• Catharsis
• And more…

And what do we get for that responsibility? Well, that depends.

I, for one, get sex.

I also get pleasure of knowing that a person trusts me beyond anything I’ve ever experienced outside of the lifestyle. Which makes me horny. And then I get sex.

I also get service. They do things for me. That makes me horny, and then I get sex.

I get the satisfaction of helping an amazing human being become a better version of themselves. Which makes them even hotter to me. So, I get sex.

I get to guide a person into new areas, share their first experiences, and expand their boundaries. That’s so fucking hot, it makes me horny, and I get sex.

I get to try out new ways to play inside someone’s head, and push their buttons, and learn more about how they think. Yeah, you guessed it. That makes me horny, and I get sex.

I get love. Deep, amazing, boundless love. Which, uh huh, makes me really, really, really horny. And I get sex.

You know what, though?

When I get sex, they get sex, too.

And I’d like to think I’m pretty good at the sex thing. I certainly enjoy myself. And I get even better, the more of that stuff ^^^^ up there happens.

But hey, I’m willing to admit that maybe I’m in this for all the wrong reasons. And that others enjoying what I offer and what I take in return is not good enough, and we’re both doing it wrong.

After all, I’m sure that somewhere there is a set of rules on how all this works that fits for everyone, right?

Right?

I took the liberty of whipping up a few more posters to make my point:

Well, would you?

You’re not a TWOO dominant if you don’t dominate others “because that’s just who you are.” I, for one, though, would be very disappointed to give up my awesome clothes.

If it doesn’t hurt (always, ongoing), then it’s not real. Pleasure is the wrong reason to do this thing that we do.

And I figured, why make the dominants ask themselves all the tough questions? Here are a few for you submissives, so you don’t feel left behind when the twoo-twoo train takes off to kinky-kinky land:

If you are not 24/7, how can you possibly be a twoo submissive? Bedroom only? Poser!

What, you don’t serve even without thanks? You don’t serve indiscriminately, just because you have a servant’s heart? Bah! Lame.

Oh, FFS! This is NOT about love! This is about discipline. This is about not denying who you are inside, regardless of outside influences. The emotional connections don’t matter. YOU ARE SUBMISSIVE!

Huh. Ridiculous!

So yeah, I’m in this for the sex.

And other things. And I’m proud to say that. If you’re not in it for the sex, or for the same things I am, that’s cool. You do it your way, and I’ll do it mine.

The community says:

“I kink because I like it. I kink because it provides another release of energy and provides relaxation. Kink adds to the intimacy of my connections. Kink adds laughter and sensuality to interactions. Kink is an enhancement to my life.”

—Kruela DeChill, 34F, krueladechill.com

“It’s a natural high, like running!”

— Mermaidhooked, 30, Sadomasochist

Kink Geekery, Or Kink & The Brain

I’m a bit of a geek.

I actually LIKE doing research into kink and love and sex and romance and how they intersect with science.

I’ve learned a lot that way.

And I’d like to share some of it with you.

I’m going to talk a bit about some of the scientific reasons sex and extreme sensation (like pain or taboo or deep emotions of all kinds) are so closely linked in our brains, in the section known as “Here There Be Kink”.

LOL!

Well, that’s not really a technical term, or a real place in the brain, since kink and sex are actually spread out in many different spots in the mind.

Neurochemicals, YAY!

Kink is often a mix of intense feeling and sexual response (not necessarily sex itself) and creates specific neurochemical reactions in our mind.

Which feel GOOD.

Like, really good.

Which is part of why we normal, every day people who enjoy going hiking, eating ice cream, and petting puppies enjoy—even crave—something as (seemingly) bizarre as giving and/or receiving pain, exchanging power, roleplaying, or any of a multitude of other kinky things.

Physiologically our bodies are an amazing stew of chemicals that reward us for liking what we do, and for some, liking more extreme or unusual things than others.

Like those who enjoy mountain biking, volcano surfing or freediving.

And like in those extreme sports, there is danger in kink. I will warn you now.

Not just to the body, where you physically hurt yourself.

To the mind.

Neurochemicals are nature’s drugs, and you can become addicted.

Let me say that again:

Neurochemicals are nature’s drugs, and you can become addicted.

Just like we get addicted to and dependent on coffee or caffeine, cigarettes, even our cell phones (which also trip our happy neurochemicals).

If you were to have a conversation with your partner about your desire to have some kinky play, like spanking or flogging in your relationship, you might say, “It’s not all about the pain.”

Now, since you’ve done your research (by reading this book at least!) you may well add, “It’s about the neurochemicals!”

And then, you’d probably get a funny look.

But I digress.

During kinky play of all sorts, including what might be considered traditionally painful, you can activate an amazing chemical cocktail dump that includes…

Endorphins. Endorphins are released in response to pain and stress and help to alleviate anxiety and depression. The surging “second wind” and euphoric “runner’s high” during and after a vigorous run are a result of endorphins. When endorphins are released in kink, we feel less physical and mental pain and more pleasure.

Serotonin. Serotonin flows when you feel significant or important. Loneliness and depression appear when serotonin is missing or low. Releasing serotonin through kink can give you a rush of feeling like you matter, that you make a difference.

Dopamine. Dopamine motivates us to take action toward goals, desires, and needs, and gives a surge of reinforcing pleasure when achieving them. When it’s released during kinky play, we feel the pleasure of a job well done.

Oxytocin. Oxytocin creates intimacy, trust, and builds healthy relationships. When our bodies release oxytocin, we feel loved and loving and more connected with others.

Testosterone & Estrogen. Both testosterone and estrogen levels can experience a boost through kink, regardless of your gender (although different bodies process them differently). Testosterone does more than just boost your sex drive, it helps fortify bones and muscles, and it keeps your heart in good working condition as well. Estrogen makes people feel more sentimental, while a rise in their testosterone levels is what makes them desire sexual engagement.

Whew! That’s a heady cocktail!

Kink offers more sex (or more interesting sex).

Not all kink includes sex.

For those who DO love their kink sexy and their sex kinky, this is a big factor.

I enjoy the sexy parts of kink very much, as I’ve already stated.

And let’s face it, most people new to kink have been introduced through sexy scenes in movies or books. They have fantasies of taking control or giving up control. Being spanked, tied up, and, of course, made to feel incredible, orgasmic pleasure.

The intimacy and actions of kink can lead to the best orgasms of your life, the most interesting sexual experiments, and even far more sex than you’ve ever had before.

Kink represents the taboo.

“Every society tries to limit sexual behavior. Not only do these cultural restrictions define and enforce the ideals and mores of the community, but they also have another function that is not consciously intended: they provide ready-made barriers that anyone can use to intensify his or her turn-ons.”

Excerpt From: Jack Morin. “The Erotic Mind.”

In every culture, what is taboo carries its own draw.

There are many who want to push boundaries, and play where they are not supposed to.

Give them a rule, and they want to break it to see what happens.

And there is pleasure to be found for many.

Knowing that something is not widely accepted or that authority figures would not approve, gives us a dark thrill that can make whatever it is we are doing that much hotter and wetter.

Kink offers a release from everyday pressures and stresses.

I kink to lose control in a world that needs me in control. It’s the one place where I can be in the moment, not worrying about my obligations ahead or what I have done behind. It is the place where I can place my trust in someone to treat me with love in a way that I feel safe.

— HiThereCatsuit/J, 56 Male, Bottom

Kinky play and kinky relationships can be healing.

Let me state for the record that I believe that ANY play and ANY relationships can be healing.

Kinky play and kinky relationships are healing for some people in very specific ways.

Regular sex and kink are part of my mental health plan.

There are a number of reasons I try to make sex and kink a regular part of my life as a need, not just a desire:

I need the happy chemical releases that come with sex and kink. They boost the medication I am on to balance my brain chemistry, keeping me happier, and less anxious generally.

I need the tension release of these activities. I hold a lot of my anxiety in my muscles and it builds up, on a daily basis, even when I am not overly anxious. Sex and kink, orgasms and subspace, are how I release this.

I need the mental release of spacing out. Going into subspace takes me out of my mind, away from the million thoughts a minute I am having, and gives me time to just exist, without any anxiety at all. When I come back from that, the positive effect can last for days.

I need the feeling of being sexual and desired, of giving pleasure to another person, and of being worthy of the sexual attention of another person. It is a huge boost to my self esteem, which can be fragile, and a source of much anxiety.

My ideal goal in participating in BDSM, not just sex, is to get to subspace. It doesn’t always happen in a session but subspace is my happy place. My brain switches off all the overthinking and anxiety and I just focus on that space and time and experience. Sometimes I go so deep that I’m barely even aware of what is happening anymore. I need a very trusted partner for that.

A good kink session with some deep subspace can leave me feeling relaxed and rejuvenated. For all that people tell me to meditate and practice mindfulness to ease anxiety, THIS is my meditation and mindfulness practice. It is the only thing I’ve ever tried that works for me.

—Shadowinsunshine, 41F, Bottom

I have multiple kinks. One of my first kinks I discovered was crossdressing. When I first came into it and discovered I enjoyed, when I was younger, I was ashamed of liking something so taboo and “unmanly”. As I grew and matured, I’ve accepted this side of myself, and I relish in getting to crossdress. It’s not only sexual; it allows me to express a different side of my personality and psyche. That being said, kink is a great and fun way to let this side of me out, by going to events where I can dress up, and meet and play with other open minded individuals. This side of me isn’t going away, so I’ve decided that whatever long term relationship I’m in, my partner has to accept that part of me. Kinky people tend to be more accepting and fun.

—SubCDStella, 32CD/TV, sub

For me, being kinky makes me feel on top of the world. I am a big time squirter, and it makes me feel alive. Makes me feel desirable and that anything is possible. Makes my endorphins build up for sure, kinda like euphoria! That’s why I am a sex addict, and kink enthusiast!

— HollyO,44 F, submissive

Let’s Discuss!

Do any of these reasons that people enjoy kink resonate with you? Do they feel familiar? Shocking?