Many years ago, I created a cute little video: Where Do I Find __ (Fill In The Blank Amazing Kinky Person)? (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bA1T5n6rd3E)
I detailed how I personally put myself out there, so that I could connect with awesome kinky people and fill my life with the experiences and humans that make me happy.
At that time, I was looking.
I had a few people I was seeing. Partners, lovers, and friends.
I had not really settled fully into my groove. I was 43 when I first wrote it (in 2017, then revised it in 2020), about 9 years after I had started my journey to create my BEST life ever, including kink. Yes, I was on a journey.
And I say this to let you know that it is not an instant process, usually. Yes, there are exceptions. No, not as many as we wish there were (at least FOR US).
Now, though, I’m not looking.
I don’t spend as much time on dating sites, even my own (except as a monitor and founder), because my life is pretty full. I do still put myself out there to meet people, though. A lot.
So much that I’ve created an event and discord local to the RDU/Triangle area in NC specifically for people to meet each other. Partially because, well, I love connecting people (it’s why I chose what I do), and partially because I really, really love meeting people.
But it’s because I’m open to possibilities.
Not because I’m “looking.”
Looking, to me, suggests that I’ve got ideas about how I’d like people to fit into my life. Like a life partner, or a lover, or a particular scene I’d like to fulfill, or whatever.
I’m not looking.
Like I said, I have amazing people in my life. I’m filled up in so very many ways. In ways I never imagined in my wildest dreams.
Am I too full?
I don’t believe there is such a thing as “too full of love and friendship and sexy times and possibilities.”
To be clear: I’m nonmonogamous. And while my time is limited, I find ways to connect those I like or love with each other, and I get to spend time with multiple amazing people at once, so I make the most of the time I have.
And that’s what I mean when I say, “I’m open.”
Because I never know who might come into my life and connect with me. Or what we might discover together. Or how much love and affection from an entirely different source might be available.
I don’t NEED more.
I don’t even really actively WANT more.
But I’m open to more.
And when I’m regularly connecting with new people and connecting them with each other, and offering ways for people to come out of their shell and learn more about the lifestyle, I find that amazing opportunities are offered or created that I could never have accomplished on my own.
AND, those add so much richness to my life.
Heck, just a couple of weekends ago, I had the joy of meeting an amazingly sexy and interesting man from the UK here in town for work. Because I was open to connecting further, I invited him to a gathering I was co-hosting, and we got to chat and he got to meet a group of awesome people. And, since he’ll be back for work again, hopefully we’ll remain connected and get to spend more time.
I don’t know. I don’t care. I don’t have expectations. It’s just good energy to add to my life.
But there is a drawback.
Not so much for me, but for others.
Because I’m not looking, because I’m so fucking happy where I am, I don’t really NEED the connections.
I am the “easy-come-easy-go” match on Tinder, or on OkCupid, or on Fet that so many people complain about.
I don’t need you in my life.
I don’t want you in my life (I also don’t actively NOT want you in my life, but that’s how people often read that).
I am open to you being in my life. If you bring value.
I don’t value you for your potential. I value you for your reality.
Which, to some, might feel kind of harsh.
Yes, I’ll give you a chance. A chance to add value to my life.
- A chance to start a good conversation.
- A chance to meet me at an event I’ll already be at, and spark a connection that might lead to more.
- A chance to get to know me.
- A chance to meet my friends and see if you click with the whole passel of us.
But that’s it. A chance. Maybe even more than one chance. BUT, I’m not going to go looking for chances to give to anyone and everyone.
You come to me, you want a chance? Fine. Make it happen.
I won’t go out of my way to make it happen for you (except, well, setting up events for it to happen, creating discords for you to connect, and building an entire damn app, LOL!).
And, well, that attitude seems snobbish to some. Stuck-up. Mean, even.
I’m just not LOOKING for you, even if you’re looking for me.
That’s why my profile on Fet says I’m there for friends and events, and every personal ad that I post (when I do post) is specifically tailored to certain desires, because I don’t want to mislead anyone (or anyone who reads my profile, anyway).
So, why do I mention this?
It’s not to brag. I mean, I’m happy to brag (just ask me, and I’ll wax euphoric), but that’s not what this is about.
There are two reasons:
- Because I think there are people who need to know what is possible, and how there is a difference between looking and being open for themselves.
- Because I think that other people (actually maybe even some of the same people) need to know that not everyone on a dating app or going to events or who love meeting new people are feeling the same sort of way about it as they are. Whether they are looking or just open.
And when people who are looking write to me, and say they would like to get to know me, and I say I’m open to that, and then they want me to do work to make that happen that I don’t want to do because I don’t yet see the value in it for me…well, that’s a mismatch.
They are looking for me (or whatever role I potentially stand in in their mind), and I am merely open to them.
- I may not reply to them within 24 hours (or even 24 days, sometimes), even if I will try to get back to them (and everyone).
- I may not ask them questions to get to know them if they have not yet sparked a specific interest in me.
- I may not have much patience if the conversation is not going in a direction that inspires me.
- I may respond to statements like “I’d like to get to know you,” with “Why?” because I really do want to know if our motives are compatible (and I don’t care if they take my bluntness as an affront.)
- I may give one or two chances, then say “I’m not interested,” while they feel that they were just warming up.
And many might think it’s because I’m a woman, and I get so many hundreds of messages.
And that’s really not it.
It’s just because I’m only open to what they offer. Not looking for it.
What are your thoughts?
Would you say that you’re looking? Open? Maybe not even open, but closed to new connections right now (which, BTW, is totally fair and valid—don’t let anyone tell you differently) or certain connections?
How do you nourish the opportunities for connections in your life, wherever you are?