It’s so common, it’s a meme. A feminine-presenting person joins a dating site, and suddenly hot dogs are thrown at them. Offer after offer pours in. It’s just magic. And it’s totally FREE!

Seems unfair to all others, yeah?

Maybe.

I’m not going to dig deep into the point that most of those sausages are not desired. Nor that it’s a part-time job to sort through all the bullshit. Or even the awful porn that is sent that is often bad enough to turn you off engaging with strangers online, ever again.

All of that has been covered, and I’m sure you know the arguments by heart.

I’m going to take another tack.

In a comment on one of my writings, someone said:

I think because of the abundance of messages and comments and friend requests that you receive you think that the odds of you finding exactly what you are looking for is somewhere out there.

This sounds very passive, like it all just comes to us/is thrown at us magically.

Let me be clear: that is not what happens.

At least in my experience.

First, when I am looking (I’m not really, right now), I put in A LOT of work to connect with other humans:

• Update photos, with a variety of experiences shown.
• Well-written profile, telling about who I am and what I’m looking for.
• Accounts on multiple apps.
• Sending messages to interesting people.
• Reading and responding to the messages I receive as kindly as possible.

And even when I’m not looking specifically, I keep up various habits that keep me connecting with potential kinky folk:

• Going out to community events.
• Writing (like this) every weekday (I’ve been writing for over a decade).
• Engaging in local kink servers on discord, forums, chats, etc.

And in all of that, over the years, I’ve still connected with only a handful of people that I want to keep.

And it took work to make that happen.

Sure, some super hot model types probably don’t have to put in the same amount of effort I, the average middle-aged woman does. But then, I’m probably better at SOMETHING than they are. Maybe they can’t tie a knot in a cherry stem with their tongue, or sing every Monkees song ever recorded off-key (HA!).

I don’t know.

But as the Desiderata says, “always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.”

Pointing fingers at others and telling yourself that they have it so easy does YOU zero good. It’s not going to improve your chances. It’s not going to make you feel better. It’s not going to connect you with anyone. And frankly, you don’t even know if they actually DO have it so easy.

(I know someone who is model gorgeous who get FAR fewer messages on dating apps than I do. Why? The OkCupid blog says that that’s pretty normal. That super-attractive people get less connections. Maybe they seem intimidating? I don’t know, but it’s worth being aware of.)

So, maybe you want the hot dogs to be thrown at you. Or tacos. Or water balloons. Or whatever your kinky heart desires.

As my Dad (from Missouri) would say, “People in hell want ice water.”

What are your thoughts?

Are you looking? If so, what are you doing to increase YOUR odds, rather than complaining about others’? Or what will you do this year, in 2022?

If you are not looking, are you taking steps to reduce the connections offered to you, or do you just accept them as part and parcel of being online?