Good morning, and happy Monday!
I am currently in California somewhere enjoying vacation and taking the week off of writing. BUT I’m not taking the week off of sharing amazing, thought-inspiring content with y’all.
This week, I’m going to share five writings by others. I’ll add in some notes at the beginning and maybe some at the end, and give you more information about how to find these amazing people, if you want more (because who doesn’t want more awesome kinky people in their feeds?).
Today, I’m starting the week with the first writing I thought of for this project.
When I read this back in early February, everything in me stood up and shouted YES!
I have seen this play out so many times in so many ways.
And this piece is brilliantly written. I’m thrilled to share with with you. By @MsBossyButterfly on FetLife (https://mistressbutterfly.com/), someone I have come to deeply respect over the past two years.
The Effects of NRE & Misinterpretations
One of the scariest things observed are the number of Kinoobies (Kink newbies) who have NO FUCKING CLUE about the basic psychological effect of engaging in BDSM activities.
I have read several posts over the last 12 months in which there has been an accusation made by a Kinoobie or the Kinoobie partner of one in which their interpretation of a situation is really on the fenceline.
NRE is once such area.
Let’s talk about NRE for a minute since there’s a good chance someone out there has no fucking clue what this is.
NRE = New Relationship Energy
…and contrary to popular belief and myths, NRE most certainly CAN and DOES develop between people who are merely engaging through text, online messaging, group posts, pic exchanging and more.
What EXACTLY is NRE?
This refers to the response the brain has on the chemicals released while engaging with another person in the onset of a developing relationship. It does not matter the DEPTH of the relationship and both parties do NOT have to have the same level of interest in developing a relationship for NRE to develop.
It’s a fucking chemical response in the brain…the happy hormones are released and the brain gets all excited by this, triggering a desire to have more of those happy hormones.
NRE often develops when there is attraction coupled with discussions about sexual (or BDSM) and/or romantic relationships and will be increased if there is mutual energy between the partners.
NRE usually fades over time, though it can last for years with some people.
So what is the big fucking deal? Your brain gets happy, no worries?
That’s not exactly true.
Sometimes, NRE presents itself as little more than being mesmerized or enraptured with another person. If the energy wears off quickly, the dynamic may fizzle out because it really was just someone riding a dopamine (brain drug candy) high. At this point, when NRE fades, character flaws which were easily dismissed during NRE, suddenly show up.
And it is THIS POINT EXACTLY….the idea that NRE can cause lapses in judgement, cause someone to miss red flags, cause someone to consent to something they normally would not and be obsessed with the relationship to the point of ignoring other commitments, relationships and duties.
Think about this statement for a minute:
“All the red flags were there and she just didn’t see them.”
How often do we hear of this?
Friends, family, other BDSM partners may even try to warn off the person who is deep in NRE during that time because they are not affected by the brain-candy drug and can see clearly things that end up being blinded by NRE.
Ok….so here is the crux of the problem with the Kinoobies & their misinterpretation of situations where NRE is present.
They don’t understand the behaviors they are engaging in, as a response to NRE, does not mean another person has “done something to them”. They completely misinterpret situations.
Here are some examples observed or reported in just the last year (mind you, a time when many people are NOT meeting face to face because of the pandemic):
- A Dominant was accused of “manipulation” because the submissive agreed to and consented to permitting nude photos to be taken and shared. The submissive stated “It was like I was powerless to say no to him because it felt so good to make him happy.”
- A Dom is struggling to understand why his submissive is “obsessed” with another male and cannot focus on anything but texting this man and has started rebelling again his rules when “she’s always been a good girl”. Additionally, he doesn’t understand her sudden “mood swings”.
- A female accused a male of making her feel “entranced’ by his words. She reported feeling the need to be in contact constantly and believed he had drugged her to make her “feel addicted to him.”
- A cub accused the cougar of “playing him and fucking with his emotions” when he wanted to move a play partner relationship into a full on dynamic and got angry, she would not dump her primary partners because “I have to have you” Again, the Kinoobies involved accused the cougar of manipulation though she clearly stated this was a play partner dynamic only.
- Two Kinoobies in a relationship with each other are accusing other kinksters of using hypnosis because of the reactions one of the Kinoobies is having in regard to the others. It’s been reported the suspicions are because of “energy and emotional responses during texting or phone conversations” and because of being able to not remember all the details of conversations with people.
These are just the top 5 examples.
ALL of those COULD be a case of a Kinoobie being taken advantage of.
But when you read the entire accounts, listen to them tell you the story, or talk to more experienced who observed things, many of the situations are truly just a misinterpretation of the effects of NRE.
People easily dismiss the power of the brain and the reactions the brain has to the things we do in our BDSM activities. Some even truly believe that by staying “just play partners” they are immune to NRE.
I know this is uncomfortable, particularly if you are experiencing these types of situations. How do I know? No one is immune to NRE. It’s not a Kinoobie thing. It’s a human thing. The problem is the how the Kinoobies react.
In 2012, I was in a new relationship. I was the Domme and he was a Kinoobie submissive male. The relationship was outlined carefully. Negotiated and even put in a written contract. The relationship lasted right at 6 months. We make it through the consideration period but his NRE was very, very strong. He told me over and over he had no desire to develop emotions and would push boundaries and break rules in the dynamic whenever he felt any twinge of emotions. When he began to feel “mesmerized” and “bewitched” and accused me of “doing something unnatural to him”, I talked with him about NRE. He told me that was ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE BECAUSE I DON’T DEVELOP FEELINGS. The last month of our dynamic was a emotion-ridden painful ride. He asked me about the possibility of my marriage falling apart so that “we could have a life together” and then turned around a fucked a complete stranger, an absolute deal breaker for either of us in our dynamic. The day we ended our dynamic, he asked me “What did you do to me?” and I simply answered, “I entered a dynamic.” Three years later, we reconnected, and he apologized to me for his reaction to the NRE. It took him that long to process what happened and he admitted he spent the better part of the 3 yrs researching how emotions and NRE play into BDSM dynamics.
Fast forward to my current dynamic; NRE has worn off.
My Guard and I are just a few weeks from finishing out our 4th year in a committed dynamic.
Early on, we both experienced A LOT of NRE and not all of it was positive.
Sometimes, we skipped out of work to go do BDSM things because the energy was so damn strong. Sometimes, our energies would play off of each other and the emotions were like some kind of crazy roller coaster. We got crazy into each other and some of our friends were ignored in the process.
But….the difference….my Avi reached out to others in the community and researched NRE because he’s a psychologist by nature and education. He is very in tune to his own body and he figured out that he wanted our dynamic to work.
Slowly, NRE balanced out and we have a super solid relationship.
Things could have gone so badly if Avi wasn’t the intellectual he is and if he would have reacted. And yes, he was a Kinoobie at this time.
I am not invalidating the idea that consent violations exist or people are manipulative bastards.
I AM suggesting however that Kinoobies need to really, REALLY, REALLY research BDSM basics and understand the fundamental concepts of how our brain reacts to what we do.
It’s not magic.
It’s not hypnosis.
It’s not supernatural or preternatural.
It’s fucking science.
Brain drug candy.
What are your thoughts?
Have you experienced NRE in such a way that it may have clouded your judgment or changed your perspective, and afterwards you were left going, WTF?!?
Have you watched others go through this process, and perhaps wondered what they could possibly be thinking as they train wrecked?