Dominant is who I am. Topping (or bottoming, or hedonism) is what I do.

Dominant is who I am. Topping (or bottoming, or hedonism) is what I do.

Every once in a while, I like to have my little rant about the difference between an identity and an activity.

Because no matter how many times this comes up, it seems like there are always people confused about it.

I’m a dominant woman.

I’ve always been comfortable leading others. I’ve also been happy to allow and encourage others to lead, because I’m awesome like that.

Actually, it’s mostly because I’m lazy, and I feel no need to lead the entire world, or take on that responsibility, LOL!

But that’s another story.

As a dominant, I know who I am and what I like, and I set about getting that out of life. Part of what I like is to take the lead in my relationships.

Seems simple, right?

And yet, there are those who get confused when I don’t act in ways that they think a dominant person SHOULD act.

Should. I effing hate that word. It’s a BS word made up of narrow-mindedness.

Anyway, apparently, there is a code fo conduct for dominants that I’ve not gotten the memo about. It includes things like:

Must be entitled and bitchy.

Must be desperate to top any ass wiggled at me.

Must NOT treat submissives as equals (or even human, depending on who you ask).

Must not say, “Please.”

Must not have sex with submissives, or heaven forbid, give oral.

Must not bottom, ever.

And these rules apparently differ from person to person.

And as a dominant, I am supposed to adhere to these rules regardless of what I want to do.

Think about that.

I’m supposed to “act domly,” by following someone else’s rules, and therefore not doing what I enjoy.


Just no.

Giving head does not make me less of a dominant to my partner. Enjoying it also does not make me less dominant.

Saying “Please,” and “Thank you,” and caring about his thoughts and desires and needs does not make me less dominant.

Enjoy being tied up does not make me less dominant.

Cooking does not make me more dominant or less dominant.

Neither does playing backgammon.

Neither does wearing latex.

Or watching CSI.

None of these things can make me less dominant.

Because they are activities.

Not identities.

(Unless, of course, I choose to identify as a bottom, or a rope bunny or an oral whore…)

They are just things I enjoy, while being dominant.

What do you think?

Have you ever felt like assumptions are made about you and the role you chose? Feel like sharing an example?

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