Playing In Public Consensually

Playing In Public Consensually

A bright orange dog leash that says "No dogs."

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!


So, I wrote a chapter in my FLR, FemDom and Women In Charge book (out this month, benefiting FAD), answering the question:

What Do We Do In Public To Exhibit Our WIC Relationship?

And, as usual, most of it applies not only to women-led relationships, but to any BDSM, Kinky, or alternative relationship.

Of course, this is an intensely personal thing. There are many ways to show off your dynamic, some are quite subtle, others more overt.

I think the best thing here is to simply share ideas of my own and from others.

Before I do that, though, I’d like to make a point.

Other People Didn’t Consent

Others are not a part of your relationship.

Not vanilla (non-kink) others. Not kinky others, either.

So, don’t involve them.

And, really think about what you might be doing around them, as well. Because while you are free to do whatever you wish (walk your submissive down the street on a leash on all fours, for example), it’s worth considering whether that is the RIGHT thing to do.

  • Will there be children?
  • Are you sure there will not be someone who might have been abused that way, who could be damaged seeing it unexpectedly?
  • Is it worth upsetting older conservative folk?

Again, only you can answer these questions for yourself.

For example, a gay couple might be hit with these same questions and say that “YES! It absolutely IS worth upsetting older conservative folk to express love.”

So, I’m not going to pretend I know better than you what your limits should be.

Another thing I see a lot is kinky people making other kinky people adhere to the rules of their dynamic. Which I believe is problematic in a number of ways.

Let me give you an example and explain:

I’m at a casual slosh (a gathering of kinky people at a vanilla bar or brewery), socializing, and end up talking for a few minutes with a nice young submissive. The next day, I receive a message accusing me of talking to someone who was not allowed to speak to other dominants without permission from their dominant.

In this case, this dominant was trying to make me a part of their relationship dynamic without my consent—or even my awareness.

When it comes down to it, if the submissive has that rule, the submissive is responsible for getting permission.

Let me say that again, worded slightly differently:

If the submissive has a rule, the submissive is responsible for obeying.

I don’t even ever need to know about their rules.

And, even knowing about their rule, I would reject it and talk to that submissive again.

Why?

  • Because their relationship dynamic is not my issue.
  • Because that dominant may be lying.
  • Because that may not be their dominant.
  • Because the submissive may be in an abusive situation, and may be trying to make friends to prepare to break free.
  • Because that submissive may be willing to take punishment for information and growth they think they need.
  • And mostly: because I believe that dynamic or no, every human has the right to make their own decisions.

Now, if we had been talking, and the submissive took a moment to check with their dominant, then politely withdrew because permission was not granted, I would not pursue.

The submissive chose to honor their rule, and I would honor them for it.

Events With Space Rules

This is obviously an exception.

When at an event where there are rules that cover everyone, of course, it’s important to be respectful of them.

For example, many groups, including my local Female Artists of Domination (FAD), have rules about how to properly treat the dominant women with respect.

It would be poor form to flout event rules after agreeing to them and entering the space.

Other Kinky Events

If you do want to restrict your submissive from contact with others at kinky events, there are plenty of ways to do it:

  • Make them wear a sign
  • Tell people as they approach that the submissive is on restriction
  • Require the submissive to wear a gag
  • Order them to maintain silence unless you speak directly to them

And so on.

These are absolutely valid.

And that last one is also perfectly valid in other public, even in vanilla spaces.

For example, out shopping, any time someone addresses your submissive, they remain quiet, and turn to you for response.

Simple.

People might find it a bit odd, but it’s not IN YOUR FACE kinky-crazy weird, and it allows some more extreme play in an everyday setting.

Another Concern

Reputation.

Being overtly dominant or submissive in public can cause issues with your personal and professional reputation.

Especially if you are in a sensitive field (school teacher, military, government), or if you are flouting the traditional roles of your gender (a masculine submissive, for example).

One of my hard limits is ANYTHING in public that might affect my Pet’s professional image, or his standing with his non-kinky friends.

It’s a good idea to discuss these types of concerns before engaging in riskier public dynamic play.

Examples

Some of these will be stories. Some will just be tips. I hope that they give you some wild and wonderful ideas for outdoor play.

Pet Names. Someone once asked in my Women In Charge Facebook group what pet names we use in public to honor our dynamic.

I mentioned that I would never risk Pet’s reputation, so I would not require him to title me and I use a normal, vanilla pet name for him.

However, that normal, vanilla pet name might be whispered in his ear during very naughty play over and over again, so that it’s immediate effect on him is always a flashback to my personal and sexual power over him, regardless of the situation.

Of course, others might use titles to the same effect.

Check-Ins. Have them keep you updated on their day. What are they doing? Who are they doing it with? Make sure they send them in the format you choose.

Orgasm Control. No matter where they are or what they are doing, they may not orgasm (or pleasure themselves) without permission.

Photos. Assign them a photo to take at some point during the day. Perhaps a picture of them wearing their cage, of their collar on, of a look of love and worship…

Photos, Part Deux. Send a photo of yourself with a love note written on your body, or a small symbol that might be meaningful to the two of you. Or a body part and have them respond with how they will worship it at the next opportunity.

Chastity. Take it a step further and lock them up. This is a physical reminder.

Cock ring or non-piecing jewelry. Even a ribbon or an insertable. Another physical reminder of presence and power in their life.

Collar. A lifestyle collar for events. A “vanilla” collar for everyday. This could be a bracelet, a special earring, a necklace, or anything.

Tattoo. An extreme form of marking, but it can be subtle. It’s an everyday thing.

Piercing. Same. A permanent reminder.

Branding.

Assignments. Make them take 5 minutes on their lunch break at work to journal on a specific topic, or answer a question of the day.

Choose clothing. Choose their clothing for an event, for a function, or for every day.

Speech restrictions. Make them check with you before speaking to or responding to anyone else.

Porter. Make them carry your purse or bags or coat.

Chivalry. Expect and enforce chivalry—opening/holding doors, pulling out chairs, taking coats, etc.

Order for them. You could make the choices, or have their input, but then do all of the ordering.

They may start to eat ONLY after you. Same with drinking.

Bathroom controls. They must ask to use the bathroom. Even when not with you.

Personal grooming. Make them wear a scent that you like, or their makeup or facial hair the way you prefer.

Mark them. Draw a small doodle on them in a publicly visible spot. Make them give you oral before going out, and forbid them to wash their face. (If you do this, PLEASE consider whether they will be kissing others in greeting—we don’t want to non-consensually expose others.)

Touch them. Reach out and touch them in public. This may be as simple as putting your hand on the back of their neck, or fondling their butt. Make it clear it’s your right to touch what you own.

Make them say “Please.” If they want something—anything, wait for them to say please, and let them know ahead of time that every please from them is begging for you.

Take control of the money. Even if you have control in private, while in public, do all of the paying, buying, etc. Have them report back to you with each expenditure when they are not with you.

Positioning. Have them walk on a specific side, just a bit behind or in front of you. Tell them where to sit in a restaurant.

What have you done to show or honor YOUR dynamic in public?

As a dominant or submissive, top or bottom?

What would you like to do or try?

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