A. If you are a REAL TWOO™ DOMINANT, you just know.
Who hasn’t seen this before?
Don’t get me wrong, there is some truth to settling into your skin and knowing that you are not submissive or switchy (or that you are switchy, and also dominant).
I don’t however believe for one moment that having questions or exploring or wondering what your role is, or what makes a dominant a dominant makes you any less twoo than anyone else.
Because being a dominant/leader (noun), especially in the lifestyle, is different than simply being dominant (adjective) or leading.
First, let me clarify how I’m using words.
For the sake of this writing, I’m defining dominant (adjective) as having the nature or the skills to lead others, and leading as meaning that you have stepped into a leadership role.
Being a dominant or being a leader, as nouns or titles, to me, encompasses more than simply having those skills.
Vanilla people may have both dominance and leadership, and many have no desire to be dominant in their relationships, or to practice D/s.
And that’s OK.
But there is something different, to me, when someone identifies as a dominant in the lifestyle, because that brings to mind a wide set of qualities.
When I refer to myself, for example, or others ask me about these concepts, this is how I define them for me and how I help people navigate them…
To me, being a lifestyle dominant is:
- Taking responsibility for others, and enjoying it.
- Having the difficult discussions, even when you don’t want to.
- Putting other people’s needs before your wants, and helping them become more.
- Being in control of your actions, and understanding how they affect others.
- Being consistent and caring.
To me, it’s similar to having a lifelong training relationship with a dog or horse or other animal, in which you work every day to improve their overall quality of life, behavior and rapport with you, while understanding they are YOURS to love and enjoy and also be responsible for.
Or like having a child, and spending the time and hours it takes to help them grow to be the best possible person, no matter who that person is.
Of course, adults are not dogs or children (although one could make a case for the best of them being more like dogs than not…) and can (one assumes) take care of themselves, and you have the added complications of the relationship and love and affection, which can easily throw off your emotional equilibrium.
Believe me, I know.
Your definitions and values may differ. I’m cool with that.
I’d even love your additions on what makes a dominant a dominant in YOUR eyes (regardless of the role you identify as).
I am not looking to change my mind nor really change yours.
This arose as part of a personal conversation and I’m simply putting it out there for discussion, and for those who may be looking for a better definition for themselves to find food for thought.