Bossy Bottoms & Subdued Submissives

Bossy Bottoms & Subdued Submissives

A peach emoji saying things like, "I don't want to make any decisions."

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!

Inspired by an email I received on 10/14/19.

You know what I’ve found? That many submissives mistake submission for helplessness.

Not speaking to anyone in particular… just something I’ve observed.

For example, I’ve interacted with submissives online, who use the excuse that they are submissive to not take chances.

  • To not ask for a date
  • To not plan things
  • To not make decisions
  • To not grow and explore life for themselves
  • To not take care of their mental and physical states
  • To be passive in the relationship

(After all, a dominant will do ALL of that, right? They’ll tell you what to do, and how to fix your life.)

And so on.

And yet, with their kinks, they are not only SURE, they are often pushy.

Bossy bottoms, I call them.

They want their kinks, in exactly the way that turns them on, and that’s what matters.

Putting all the work and pressure on dominants to fulfill their kinks, take care of everything, and manage the relationship.

  • To read minds.
  • To push boundaries (these very specific boundaries, in exactly this way!).
  • To “force” self-care and responsibility.
  • To “bring” the excitement and interest.

When I met my Pet, he was the opposite of that.

He was masculine, confident, pursued like a champ (more and better than anyone else, actually), set up interesting dates, showed me how amazing life would be with him in my life, and brought me ideas for kink for us BOTH to explore together and play with.

(Of course, I returned the favor—I was also not sitting back and being passive.)

For me, it was the difference between being the one person doing 38 jobs and a CEO with an incredibly competent personal assistant helping me be the best leader I can be.

Again, I’m not saying this is you.

I’m wondering, though, what are you doing to develop who you are as a desirable companion both in and out of your submission?

You don’t have to answer me, if you don’t want to.

More a question for you—a thought exercise, if you will—although of course I’m happy to continue the conversation.

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2 Responses

  1. feel free lol i genuinely enjoy reading your thoughts and writings here and on fet I’ve gotten a lot out of it personally. I have been and continue to work on my mental health so I recognize my emotions, when (and if) i’m having a hard time with them so that way I keep up with healthy communication instead of letting cataclysm thoughts ruining reality. I’m a really good listener and I keep trying to still communicate with people at munches even though it’s slowly because i also have anxiety and it’s not very easy for me to converse with others so still developing that and well before the “quarantine” happened I talked to three people I’ve seen for a few years at my local munch, etc. I always felt too intimidated to talk to them (again anxiety, etc.) but I engaged and conversed the best I could and it went really positive. So even though yes it’s really slow I don’t give up on trying to communicate with others.

    1. That is a big key: Just keep trying. Keep improving in small ways.

      I’ve been there, in my own ways, and I understand. I’m cheering you on! *smiles*

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