Settling is Shitty

Settling is Shitty

“There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” — Nelson Mandela

I got into a conversation on twitter yesterday about online and offline dating and how many people write their profile one way but want something else, and are discouraged about getting that something else, so they are willing to settle for less than what they want…

And let me state for the record: I get it. Dating is hard. Finding a soul mate or edge play partner or even just the right dicking is often HARD.

Like really hard.

And yet, I still don’t really feel that excuses settling.

Because, like most things in life, it’s not JUST about you.

In any relationship, two people become dependent on each other for whatever that relationship represents.

A good dicking, for example, requires that someone give the good dick, and the other receives it and gives feedback for the dick to grow in it’s goodness.

Of course, I’m speaking in ideals. After all, good dick person MIGHT be able to give just as good a dicking through their partner starfishing. Maybe.

In a relationship, though, both people need certain things for that relationship to be healthy.

For example, if they are not open and honest with you, you can’t have a healthy relationship with them. And vice versa. If they do not tell you what they want and need, then you will not be able to offer them a healthy relationship.



  • If you aren’t willing to share your wants and needs, your partner cannot have a healthy relationship with you.
  • If you are not honest, your partner cannot have a healthy relationship with you.
  • If you don’t maintain your boundaries, your partner cannot have a healthy relationship with you.

Both of you equally need the other to do their part to care for the relationship, if you want a healthy relationship.

And you do, right?

Want a healthy relationship?

You see, it takes two to Tango.

So, when you settle, do you tell your partner you’re settling?

Probably not, right? Because that’s shitty.

Well, so is NOT telling them. Because what if they are investing in the relationship in ways that you simply can’t match?

You’re not just affecting yourself.

You’re not giving them what they need to have a healthy, thriving relationship either.

When you don’t speak up, you remove their options.

So, to go back to my conversation yesterday. We were speaking of people who claim to be switches looking for subs, who will tell a dominant that they REALLY want to be submissive, but they feel like they will have better luck—and more of a chance—at finding a submissive.

But is that what they really want?

Is that going to make them want to invest, to do everything it takes to make a relationship succeed?

Or are they just settling? Half-assing it. Dooming their relationships to fail utterly, or, possibly just stagger along missing SOMETHING for months, possibly years?

One of the most difficult things to learn about love…

…is that no matter how invested you are, no matter how dedicated or in love or kind or generous—if your partner doesn’t show up, you can’t succeed.

If you’ve ever left a relationship that you’ve been putting 100% into, because you finally realized that you alone aren’t enough to make it work…you know.

Don’t do that to another person.

Don’t make them suffer through your settling.

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Start somewhere! Just start.

“I just don’t even know where to start!” I can’t tell you how many times people have said that to me in relation to kink

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