And I’ll be right.
You see, I read this piece a while back:
Where the author says that if they never hear the “C Word,” chemistry, in reference to relationships again, they’ll be happy.
Then, they go on to give six banal reasons someone might feel chemistry.
Except for, you know, actual chemistry.
In fact, they are, in my view, very much looking at the very surface layers of compatibility and attraction, rather than chemistry.
Compatibility: (1) You two are similar somehow, (2) You have complimentary personality types, (4) They remind you of someone for whom you have positive associations, (6) You’re sexy and they know it
Attraction: (3) There is a high physical attraction
And one totally unhealthy reason thrown in for good measure: (5) They remind you of someone with whom you have unfinished business
And that’s fair.
After all, chemistry is the no-no of the dating world. The ‘don’t go there; of topics. Because it just is. And it’s REALLY REALLY hard to willfully change it (although sometimes it is possible). And frankly, if it’s not there, then neither is the passion.
That’s not to say it can’t happen. It could. And it could develop into a comfortable relationship with stability and deep friendship and possibly passion at some point in the future.
But not now.
Not fireworks and staying up all night talking and not getting enough of each other and needing each other’s presence in every way and craving a touch and breathing each other in and living for the sound of their voice and all those things that feel exactly like falling madly, wildy, crazily in love (and bed).
And that’s OK.
I know people who don’t want any of that.
And I know people who won’t “relationship” without it.
And people who enjoy all the levels of love.
I tend more towards the chemistry type myself.
And how does one judge chemistry?
At least the chemistry I’m talking about, because I’m talking about ACTUAL chemistry.
Like pheromones and hormones and immune systems tests and such.
Did you know that there has been a very quiet but know problem about couple meeting when the woman is on hormone-based birth control, falling in love, and then wanting to have a baby, and when she goes off the birth control, they somehow lose their passion for each other? (The opposite has also been reported.)
Their chemistry changed.
Did you know that science has shown that males kiss to introduce sex hormones and proteins that make their female partner more sexually receptive, and female kisses are like a litmus test of whether your immune systems are compatible for successful mating and to monitor current relationship status through sharing saliva (and the chemicals in it)? (source)
So, if your body chemistry is compatible enough to want to kiss, and you do, then, if the kiss feels good enough to continue it, you both share a chemical cocktail of oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, and your cortisol levels will lower, making you feel happier, sexier, and more relaxed/ready to shag or fall in love.
But it’s all based on that initial spark.
And anyone who’s dated knows the dreaded “no chemistry” feeling, even when they are physically and mentally attracted to a person—the OOOOMPH just isn’t there, dammit.
Sure, some people use the “C Word” as an excuse for lack of attraction.
But that’s OK, right? I mean, does it matter whey they aren’t attracted, if they’re not?
Not to me, it doesn’t.
And I’ll continue to tell people that I don’t “do online,” because I will always want to be sure there is chemistry before developing a relationship of any kind.