Took me a long time to learn this lesson, but now that I’ve learned it, I can’t even remember what it was like to feel another way.
I mean, I remember pining after a boy.
And I remember chasing him.
And honestly, it was worth it. Then. That first time.
If you had told me that I should not waste time on people who didn’t love me then, I would have told you that you were dead wrong.
I would have argued.
I would have said “They don’t love me YET.”
I would have stubbornly resisted.
I may have even cried and screamed and threw a fit if you pushed the issue.
Because my beliefs were that if I wanted something (someone), I had to make it happen. I had to prove that I was worth loving. I had to DO THINGS to show that I was valuable.
It was OBVIOUS to me.
Like unquestionably obvious.
That’s how I got all the relationships I had, until I was in my 30s.
(Never mind how that was turning out…)
But today? Nah, fam. Not gonna happen.
In fact, I don’t think I could choose someone who didn’t reciprocate any more. It’s a serious boner-killer for me. In fact, what turns me on and attracts me is genuine desire for me. If I realize that someone is not attracted to me, I lose whatever desire or yearning I might have had.
(Sadly, this does not guarantee that I will know when people are attracted to me. I’m remarkably clueless much of the time.)
There is a quote making the rounds on social media that perfectly sums up my thoughts:
“Listen my friend, if one person doesn’t want the relationship, then it’s simply not a fit. No sense trying to figure out why they don’t want it. No sense blaming it on their commitment issues. No sense waiting around for them to realize they wanted it after all. Because it doesn’t matter why they don’t want it. What matters is that you are met heart-on by a fully engaged partner. If they don’t want it, then you don’t want it, because you don’t want to be with someone who isn’t there for it fully.
That’s the thing about love relationship— it’s an agreement that has to be signed by both souls. If one doesn’t sign, then nothing has been lost. If it’s not a fit for them, it’s not a fit for you either.” — Jeff Brown
YES! YES! YES!
All of that.
What are your thoughts?
Do you think it’s worth trying to make people like you? Do you pine after people who don’t (yet?) love you in the ways you love them? Do you try to make people love you more through your actions and behaviors?
Or, do you agree with me?
How is it working out for you?