NOT asking for what you want and need is a trauma response…

NOT asking for what you want and need is a trauma response…

Or, rather, let me say, “It’s OFTEN a trauma response.”

If you don’t ask for what you want and need, only YOU get to say if it’s trauma response or not. Or perhaps your therapist or trusted friend.

But not me.

Because that would be more people telling you what you are and who you are and a whole bunch of stuff I probably don’t know shit about.

A few days ago, a friend on FB posted:

Why am I always the one helping others and when I need someone nobody comes for me?

You know what the responses were? Dozens of people saying, “All you gotta do is ask,” “I’m here for you,” and “What you need? I gotcha, boo!”

And you know what?

They hadn’t actually asked anyone.

Because they didn’t think anyone would answer. Because they didn’t think they deserved help. Because it would feel uncomfortable to ask and be turned down.

(Better to not ask and not receive than to ask and not receive—hurts less.)

Those who are good at doing for others are often utterly incompetent at asking for themselves.

More, those amazing people often actively train others to NOT help, by turning down help when it’s offered, because they don’t want to be a bother, or because they can do it (while whether they SHOULD do it, or whether it might harm them to do it or overwhelm them is not considered).

Do you want to break the cycle?

Start asking for things.

Did you know that people who ask for things get them more often than people who don’t, overall?

I know you do.

But think about that and what it might mean.

Also: did you know that asking for something and adding a reason with the word “because” makes it FAR more likely you’ll receive what you’re asking for?

That’s a great tip.

Start with the small stuff:

  • Will you help me with the groceries? (Because my shoulder has been aching, thanks!)
  • Could we schedule some time to talk about _? (Because I’d love to get your thoughts.)
  • Can you get me a glass of water? (Since you’re up.)
  • Would you have time for tea and a chat? (Because I’ve not seen you for a while and I miss your face.)

Or whatever.

Start with small stuff. And build up.

And you know what? MOST people who love you will give you what you ask for simply because you asked for it. Because they want to make you happy. Because they now know what will make you happy, and feel confident doing that for you.

And by doing this, you’ll do two things:

  1. You’ll allow them to feel needed as well (I mean, you do things for others and feel good about it, why can’t they?)
  2. You’ll show them you are open to help, so it’s easier to receive and to ask for more.

But what if they don’t?

Then you get to decide whether they are worth everything you give to them.

Because frankly, some people are energy vampires, and will always take and take. And only you can decide whether that’s allowed in your life.

What are your thoughts?

Do you have a hard time asking for what you want and need? Do you know the reason behind it? Is it trauma or fear?

Have you learned to ask for things? How has that worked for you? How was that process?

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