I recently posted to my FetLife feed with the same question asked to three groups of people:
“What’s the most frustrating part of kink and the kink community for you?”
I asked specifically for answers from feminine-identified, masculine identified, and non-binary-identified folk. I put in place a “rule” that anyone who was not inthat group could respond with questions only, to learn and grow from other’s thoughts and experiences.
And when I posted the one for feminine-identified folk last, the early responses immediately touched on the old trope that women hold all the sexual power.
And I’d been meaning to write this piece, so it inspired me to get off my tuchis and do it.
So, last week, I had two dates. Well, I had one awful date and one date that didn’t show, and unmatched me instead of telling me he wasn’t going to be there.
I found both of the men attractive in our initial encounters online, which is why I was happy to meet them—the day of matching.
The first guy and I were just a bad fit, personality-wise. No two ways about it. I was not having any of that, and he didn’t reach out after, so I’ll guess the feeling was mutual.
The second one, though.
He had a date. That HE had asked for. Wanted that day, instead of another, even. Seemed like an interesting guy. Very attractive from his pictures.
And he stood me up.
In a few words: He denied me sex.
He had the sexual power.
It is that simple.
Had I met him and he did not find me attractive, and I found him attractive, he could still have denied me sex by simply turning me down or unmatching me after. He chose to do it ahead of time instead.
Annoying, but his right, 100%.
Had I met him, and he found me attractive, and I did not find him attractive, yeah, that ball would have been in my court. And if we were mutually attracted, well, then, game on.
So, neither of us had the power over sex, unless both of us did.
We both could say “Yes.”
We both could say “No.”
It’s really that simple.
Also, there is a man I find attractive, and his kinks interest me. He came on strong to start, then sort of fell back. He mentioned that maybe he was having second thoughts, that he might have gotten carried away with his fantasies.
I’m still interested.
He’s not responding to me.
Is he withholding/controlling sex? Yes.
Does he have MORE power than I do? No. Because if he offered it, I would still be able to move forward towards the sex I want, AND I would have the power to say “No” at any moment that something did not feel right to me or anyway made me uncomfortable.
Do I wish he wasn’t withholding/controlling the sex with me the way that he is? Yes.
Do I hold it against him? Nah. Every human has a right to their own body and determining who gets to touch it/play with it/sex it up. And I appreciate that he is doing what he needs to do to feel comfortable for himself.
EVEN IF THAT MEANS THAT HE DOESN’T RESPOND TO ME.
I am actually cheering him on in doing what’s right for him.
And I’m a bit disappointed, because damn, those kinks were RIGHT up my alley.
I can feel BOTH of those things at the same time.
Every gender has exactly the same sexual power: that of determining who gets to interact with them sexually and how.
End of story.
What are your thoughts?
Do you agree that all genders have the same sexual power—that of their own consent?
If not, are you willing to give an example of what power [insert gender here] has that others do not?