Sounds cynical, right?
I don’t feel like it is, though.
We all do whatever we do because we get something from it. The question is: What do you provide that people want?
If it’s money or help in things, rather than making them feel good about themselves, well, you now know why they want to be with you.
And this is fair.
After all, many people have figured out that if they spend money on others they will get more attention than they would otherwise.
But SOME people get that attention (and beyond) without spending money? How?
- Well, maybe they are hot, like smokin’ hot. And the people they are with put value on that.
- Maybe they are amazing listeners, and the people that love them value that.
- Perhaps they are thoughtful, and they make the people with them feel fucking amazing about themselves, and those people value that aspect.
- Maybe they are insightful, and help people understand themselves and the world better, and that means a lot to them.
- Hell, maybe they are a brilliant rope top and people flock to them from all over to be tied up expertly for flying/floaty/sub-spaceyness.
Some people maybe all of those things. Most are not, but they are still valued and sought out and desired.
And THEY don’t have to spend money to get attention.
Or whatever it is YOU give away to get that attention, that closeness, that friendship.
Or whatever you trade for what you want and need, but maybe think there could/should be more.
I promise you.
So, if you feel like you are constantly trading pieces of yourself or your bank account or whatever in exchange for their time/attention/friendship…well, you’re not trapped. You could look for other benefits to spending time with you, and work on those.
I mean, a lot of people don’t want to put time and effort into the more amorphous benefits of self-improvement, or don’t want to spend time and attention on others in exchange for time and attention.
And that’s OK. That’s a decision that enables many forms of financial domination (across ALL genders, I might add).
But you have to have something to trade.
Something that people want.
And that’s just the way life is.
Like I said, some might think that’s a cynical way of looking at the world. I don’t. In fact, I find it incredibly empowering.
I can choose to find what I offer, develop and grow what I offer, and attract the persons or people that offer what I value purposefully, because I know how this works.
That feels good to me.
i don’t think it’s cynical at all i mean sometimes yes it sucks but it’s true that’s how the world operates and the only reason why it would suck are reasons you’ve given in other topics and your reason here why you find it empowering. It is what you chose to offer someone and whom you chose to offer what you have. i definitely have made choices in what i chose to offer someone and yeah sometimes it has sucked and at the moment i find myself in a rut because i’m too scared to try a relationship because i do not want to offer what i have, etc. to well not a nice person lol. right now i’m okay with that but yes it hinders me emotionally and socially a bit but i’d rather be safe than sorry because well been there, done that.
Have you considered what safe actually means, though?
I don’t believe we CAN be safe in any way, and still have the kinds of relationships most of us seek. I think they are opposite ends of the spectrum.
And to be safe, in my eyes, would therefore mean NOT having that connection, ever.
“ I can choose to find what I offer, develop and grow what I offer, and attract the persons or people that offer what I value purposefully, because I know how this works”
Recently I’ve become aware of my tendency to slide away from people when I’m no longer in charge of the interaction. I was hanging out with my roommates and teaching a couple of yoga moves that I know. Afterwards they wanted to work on a dance routine, which is something they do together. I started to walk away.
I don’t remember precisely what my roommate said, but it was very much to the point about my tendency to flee when I don’t feel in control.
In dating this translates to me disappearing after sex. I know I can compel my partner’s interest during sex, that doesn’t feel like a risk. It’s afterwards that I’m afraid of… so I’ll leave first to stay in control. Because I’m afraid I won’t be interesting enough and I’ll get left behind. Discarded.
I stayed with my roommates by the way, and had a delightful time lurching through a complicated dance routine. They were very patient and not at all bored with me, and now we all feel more bonded.
Thank you for sharing. THis part:
That’s particularly compelling and vulnerable.