Nonmonogamy: Using your meta as a couples’ therapist…

Nonmonogamy: Using your meta as a couples’ therapist…

Someone wrote to me (paraphrased and anonymized):

I was brought into a relationship by a couple who wanted a quick fix. I brought their issues to light and demanded they work on fixing their love. I became an interpreter for both sides, and my relationship with the gf ended abruptly in the process. The two took a lot of time, talked, and are now suddenly… all good? Things feel wrong, toxic almost, but tempting. He and I feel wrong now. I feel the heartbreak I was trying so hard to keep myself separate from. I feel my time with them has come to an end, as if I was here simply to help them be better together. I told them in the end I’d be the one to get hurt, to be alone. Not them.

Why does it suck so much to be right?

My reply:

First, I’m sorry you are feeling this. It sucks.

Second, you did this to yourself.

You saw it coming and you STILL did this to yourself.

You CHOSE to be their go-between, instead of stepping back and letting them figure out their own mess.

You chose to be an ongoing part of this drama.

And you knew it was happening.

Which is fine, if that’s who you are and who you want to be.

Because doing it, even as you watch the shift happen and the changes come through is 100% your choice.

You chose to let them treat you the way they have treated you, every step of the way. Because if you didn’t want it, there are a million ways you could have removed yourself from the situation.

I cannot see a more than .06% chance of success when an intimate partner becomes the counselor to an existing couple. The chances for misunderstandings between three people are exponentially larger than for two. the possibility of favoritism (real or perceived) is in the 98-99% range, in my experience.

ONE of the couple is going to feel like you are not on their side.

You were right, because you made yourself right by doing all the things you saw creating this circumstance.

Let me be clear: I am not blaming you for their behavior.


If they are being more than confused humans trying to get by, and they have actually been hateful to you, versus overwhelmed by their feelings, that is ON THEM.


People who treat others badly are always at fault.

In this case, you ALSO treated yourself badly by treading a trail to a destination that you knew would hurt you.

MAYBE you had good reason.

MAYBE it was worth it for the feelings of good from helping them become stronger and more loving together.

MAYBE you felt like their relationship was worth more than the inevitable crush of your feelings.

MAYBE you thought this would be different (but it wasn’t).

Whatever your maybes, YOU made every choice along the way.

And I point this out not to blame you. Not to make you feel bad.

To empower you.

Because YOU made the choice to help others.

YOU gave of yourself.

YOU offered them more than they could handle.

And going forward, you can choose to do the same thing again, knowing this might happen.

You may choose to help, but also extricate yourself from the relationship, because you realize most people cannot deeply love someone who fixes them.

That is your power.

The power of choice and no regrets.

Every choice you have the power to ask yourself, “If this works out in the worst way possible, will I regret this decision?”

If the answer is yes, look for another option.

For them. For you.

I wish you the best in this tangle, and I’m sorry you’re experiencing it.

What are YOUR thoughts on a situation like this? Is there ever a time when setting yourself between lovers is a good thing?

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