Inevitably, on dating sites and apps, I get the question, “So, what are you looking for?”
I nearly always want to reply, “Nothing.”
Not really because it’s true, but because it is a push-back against such an annoying question, often asked within the first five messages.
Another valid response is “How TF should I know, until I see it?”
Every once in a while I’m silly, and I will say something like, “I’m hoping to meet someone who trains otters in synchronized swimming.”
But those are not really fair responses, nor are they accurate.
As I was scrolling my FB feed today, I saw a post by a dear friend of mine, a screenshot that says:
“Honestly at this point being non monogamous for me is about making friends and not being worried about any sort of expectations regarding the nature of what our relationship may turn into. Will we be hiking buddies? Board game partners? Lovers? FWBs? Who know and who cares. —hilliamwilliam
This is probably the closest explanation I’ve seen, but it’s still not quite right for me (no reason it should be, that’s their reason). After all, I am generally not dating to find hiking buddies, although I’m open to it if the right chemistry exists.
I date mostly to put myself out there and connect with humans, then let things happen.
It’s kind of like playing on the sidewalk in my new neighborhood as a kid. To meet people for things I might want to do, I have to be visible. To allow them to see me, and seem cool or interesting enough for them to want to say “Hi. Can I make mud pies with you?”
Or whatever the sexy grown-up equivalent is these days.
So, I usually say, “I’m open to possibilities. Let’s see if we hit it off in text, then meet. From there, if we have good chemistry and a connection, we may become FWBs (emphasis on the F, please) or more. How does that sound to you?”
What are your thoughts?
When you’re dating (as a mono or nonmono person), and someone asks you what you’re looking for, how do you respond?
Is it always the same answer? Do you answer according to whim or mood?