This past weekend I flew to Chicago to teach at @KinkyKollege Homecoming. I had an amazing time, and got to sit next to the @Science_of_BDSM table. SQUEE!
I also attended a class on the complexities of consent, and learned that science backs up some of my own thoughts on the topic. YAY!
And one of those thoughts is that we tend to plan more and be more specific about consent when we do pick up play or in the early stages of a relationship than we do in longer term relationships.
It only makes sense.
After all, as we grow together, we tend to already know what safe words we might use, what we are and are not open to in MOST cases, and what our partners like.
So, the discussions (when they are had at all) are often shorthand:
- “Tonight, I’d love if you’d try X on me.”
- “Since I was sunburned this weekend, let’s skip the flogging.”
- “How about a quickie.”
I can say to my Pet, “I want your hands on me,” and he knows exactly what I mean without me going into excruciating detail or discussing what’s off limits.
Which can sometimes mean that we PLAN things less.
That’s something I thought about this weekend.
When we were less entangled, Pet and I used to plan things for and with each other more often. I can’t remember the last time I specifically set up a scene that didn’t include parts of the flows I already know that he loves.
And that’s on me.
Because personally, I think it’s important. To set aside time specifically for each other, and to put in that effort.
Not EVERY time. That would be exhausting. And frankly. I love that our relationship is comfortable in many ways and that we can use shorthand to get what we want and need.
Well, I’ve let them slide a bit. And I don’t like that about me, thinking on it now.
Because I want those things in my life. And I want those things for him, as well.
So, I’m going to plan something. Something hot. And needy. And passionate. And full of things that have not been our bread and butter through this pandemic together.
I’m getting tingly in my goody bits just thinking about it.
And I think I’ll also make a note on my calendar, to remind me to be less complacent and to have more fun with WIITWD.
What are YOUR thoughts?
Do you love planning things in detail for your scenes? Do you prefer knowing each other deeply, and simply “going with the flow?”
Are you like me, and think that a good long term kinky relationship has both?
And have you bee getting enough/doing enough of whatever you love? If not, are you taking steps to change that?