The term “topping from the bottom” is thrown about by Won Twoo Wayists the way that “Did you find everything you were looking for?” is tossed out by grocery store check clerks, and with the sneering disdain usually reserved for the ‘poor, unaware vanillas.’

Submissives and slaves are told, “You’re topping from the bottom. You’re not a real ______!”

But why?

What is this ‘topping from the bottom’, and why is it so heinous a crime?

Let’s rip this shit open!

Urban Dictionary defines topping from the bottom as:

In its basic, literal sense, it means exactly what it says. The person on the bottom is leading the top, thus technically topping from the bottom.

The person on the bottom (submissive/slave) is leading.

Oh mi godz, the horrors!

Oh wait. No, I don’t feel that way. In fact, I’m really just feeling that people who use this term as an insult are asshole-ing.

(asshole-ing: the verb of being an asshole all over other people, without their consent. Yes, it’s a thing. I just made it one.)

Perhaps I’m just not getting it.

Let’s check out that definition again (bold is my emphasis):

In its basic, literal sense, it means exactly what it says. The person on the bottom is leading the top, thus technically topping from the bottom.

So, the term topping from the bottom means that the bottom/sub/slave is LEADING the Top/Dominant/Master.

Well, fuckerooni! No WONDER all the tip-toppy types are all woried! The bitchez is takin’ over!

Wait. Whut?

No.

No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

I suggest that ‘topping from the bottom’ be retired as anything but a description of a particular type of scene.

Reason the First

The main reason: It makes YOU, oh Domly One, look like a fucking idiot.

Because you’re saying that the submissive has taken the lead from you.

Yeah. Read that definition again, then look at those examples.

You’ve lost your lead (if you ever had it). Your respect as a leader. You’re not doing your job, filling your role. Your other is stepping up to take it away from you (or never gave it to you to begin with).

And you know what? In that case, I say, “Fuck yeah! Good onya!”

Because you are obviously not meeting their needs, if they have to lie, cheat, beg, manipulate, or brat out to get what they want from you.

You’re asshole-ing from the middle of your own puddle of shit here.

Reason The Second

If you’re saying this to an s-type that you are talking to online, because they are asserting their need to be spoken to as a human being, explaining what they are looking for in a relationship, or refusing to call you “GrandLordWolfyMcDommyPants,” until you’re actually IN a relationship, you’re prematurely asshole-ing.

Reason the Third

If you’re saying it about someone else’s dynamic, well then, you’re always the asshole for judging that.

You’re asshole-ing from the sidelines.

For the s-Types

So, remember when I said to the left side of the slash:

Because you are obviously not meeting their needs, if they have to lie, cheat, beg, manipulate, or brat out to get what they want from you.

??

Well, I’ll tell you, it does not reflect well on you to lie, cheat, beg, manipulate, or brat out, ever. I mean, I get it. Avoiding confrontation (or misdirecting it) is a time-honored tradition.

But it’s not likely to get you what you want. It’s just going to confuse the issue and make it even less likely that your real needs will be heard, understood, and met.

And that makes you the one asshole-ing.

Yeah, even s-types can asshole all over the place. Perceived power or not.

You’re also asshole-ing just as much as the D-types if you judge other people’s dynamics. Just saying.

What is the Assholery-Free Use of the phrase ‘Topping from the Bottom’?

The kind where you are teaching, with a sense of goodwill and mutual benefit.

An experienced submissive has a lot to teach. Even an inexperienced submissive can have a lot to teach about his/herself. There is nothing wrong with that teaching.

In a scene.

In an email.

In a discussion.

With fireworks, histrionics, manipulation… just teaching.

And if you are doing that, clearly communicating your interests, what gives you pleasure, your boundaries, etc, in a helpful and not creepy or whiny way, and some Uber-Dom tells you that you are topping from the bottom, feel free to just walk away.

Because they have already lost control of the situation. And are too busy asshole-ing to lead you.