“Your hot!!!” “So?”

“Your hot!!!” “So?”

Let’s talk a bit about compliment lures.

When compliments are sincere and don’t come with strings attached, I love them. Not necessarily because I’m looking for approval from other humans, but because they show me that a person is interested in connection with me, and they are my kind of human (the kind who gives compliments that don’t expect anything in return).

I love these. So much I wrote about them back in July of 2016: Give Compliments. Lots of Compliments. Do It Right In 9 Easy Steps: https://datingkinky.com/blog/communication/give-compliments-lots-of-compliments-do-it-right-in-9-easy-steps/

But there is another kind of compliment.

The kind that some people use as a prelude to making their demands or wishes known. The kind of compliment used to butter people up before the sales pitch.

These are usually as welcome as the unsolicited genital pic.

(Notice I didn’t say dick pic. Because I really meant any/all configurations of unsolicited gentalia, and dicks get picked on quite a bit. But I digress. )

I had a conversation like this recently. It went like this:

THEM:

“Your hot!!!” (Your spelled Y-O-U-R.)

ME:

“Thank you.” (I heroically refrained from asking “My hot what??”)

THEM:

“Just thought you should know.”

ME

“Ok.”

THEM

“Id love to get to know you.”

ME

“Why?”

THEM

“why what?”

ME

“Why would you want to get to know me?”

THEM

“Because your hot.”

ME

“Thanks for the offer. I really look for more compatibility than that in my connections. Best of luck to you.”

THEM

“OK. Fuck you then. cunt”

And I think to myself, “BOOM! There it is!”

I present to you the compliment lure. The compliment given only as a step towards another. You can tell when it happens because they will clearly negate the compliment by the end of the conversation if they don’t get what they want.

Do I know for sure in the first line whether that is what they are offering when we engage online?

No.

Do I suspect? Yes. And yet, I still thank them (although I’ll be clear: I don’t owe them a thank you, nor does anyone else). If they continue the conversation, I remain polite and see what happens.

So far, I’ve not been wrong. Not once in the past several years. You get a sense for these things.

Sure. Maybe YOU give compliments without expectations. I do. Often. Because I never, ever believe a compliment would require a response at all.

It’s something I give.

Not something I exchange.

A compliment is not transactional.

Oh. Let me say that again.

A 👏🏻 compliment 👏🏻 is 👏🏻 not 👏🏻 transactional. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

And if you’re using a compliment as a lever to get something you want (did they teach you that in “winning at sales”?), you’re DOIN IT RONG.

What are your thoughts?

Do you recognize the fishing lure compliments when you get them? Are they obvious to you through the words, or is it something else that makes it clear to you?

Or do you sometimes get suckered? (Some of them are quite pretty, for sure!)

Have you been guilty of using the compliment lure yourself? Have you totally slipped the habit? Or still working on it?

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