Poly Is Not Fair (Poly Is Not, Part XIV)

Oh, we do our best to even things out, but just as life is inherently unfair, so are polyamorous relationships.

Uh, yeah, so are monogamous relationships. However, practicing poly (or opening up to poly after monogamy) REALLY highlights the unfairness of it all and imbalances that can often seem easier to work with, when it’s just two of you.

For example:

In any partnership, there is usually one person who has the edge in attractiveness.

And I don’t just mean physically, although there is often that, too. I mean the whole attractiveness package:

  • looks
  • charm
  • sex appeal
  • popularity
  • presentation
  • sense of humor
  • sexual orientation
  • gender identity

And so on…

One of you is likely to have/make more money.

Especially for couples who don’t share finances, this makes for a big difference in the ability to date/travel/enjoy the same kinds of things with your other partners.

And having more money often (but not always) equates to having more time to do those dating things.

It’s easier to date multiple people when you have one job. Not so easy when you are working three jobs to stay afloat.

Children and/or access to childcare can affect your dating abilities.

If one of you has children, or both of you, but one has better access to childcare (a spouse, a more metropolitan are, more $$, or a combination), then it’s going to be more difficult for one of you to be able to schedule poly events and dates.

One of you may face more physical or mental health challenges than the other.

Mental challenges often play into the first imbalance I mentioned, that of desirability to others. However, even without that issue, they can rob a person of the ability to be available or maintain connections.

Physical health issues, especially chronic ones, can severely restrict what people can do in any given day, and limits so many things, including:

  • activities
  • energy
  • money
  • flexibility (food allergies or sensitivities, or doctor-prescribed diets)

And so on.

Poly Don’t Care…

While ALL of these things can be overcome, it takes an understanding and recognition that they exist so they can be discussed and compensated for.

And even then, it can be incredibly frustrating when partners realize that one has a MUCH easier time in the poly dating pool than the other.

And painful.

For both.

Because a loving partner WANTS their poly partner to be happy and fulfilled, and hates that others are not seeing all the amazing that they see.

So, the key is understanding that poly is not fair, and being ready for the challenges that will come up.

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