I’m looking for a submissive. A sub who will challenge me. A sub who isn’t afraid to speak their mind, except on the topics of household chores, my sexual gratification, politics, or whether Tim Roth is the hottest ugly dude ever.

In other words, a submissive who knows their own mind, and isn’t afraid to speak up, just not while I’m trying to read, while I’m shopping for clothes, during dinner, when we’re out hiking, or just before bed. Actually, I’d prefer they hold that thought until the prearranged time for such things every week.

Which, to be fair, sometimes conflicts with social stuff, and gets put off. But for only a week. Or three. Or whatever. I mean, it’s not that big a deal.

I’m looking for a submissive who’s guided by their personal ethics and morality, but never questions my habits or decisions—is that too much to ask for?

A submissive happy in their own skin, who is as thrilled cooking complex healthy feasts for me from scratch as they are grabbing cheap Chinese buffet food when I have a craving. Who feels comfortable in jeans and a tee (or none) or dressed up for an evening out, while remaining on the sexy and toned side of height-weight proportionate, and with amazingly dewy skin, without makeup, and no extra time spent on themselves to keep me waiting for the bathroom.

I’d like a submissive who’ll accompany me on my travels, with a flexible schedule and a trust fund of a cool $5 million.

More is acceptable, of course, but no less. I would absolutely expect them them to work in their spare time to maintain that cushion for our security.

Nothing gets me hotter than a submissive who loves to have long, deeply intimate conversations about philosophy, communication, behavior modification, and kink, as long as they aren’t quite as well-versed in those topics as I am.

I’m no intellectual snob, though.

I wouldn’t reject a submissive who’s a bit less polished, who may prefer watching sports over Criminal Minds or Chef’s Table, as long as they look like a model and flatter me constantly.

It’s important that my submissive be ready and enthusiastic about giving me sexual gratification at all hours, regardless of their other plans. That dream trip to New Zealand can always be rescheduled, because mama gets cranky when her orgasms are delayed, and when mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

They must hate blow jobs.

You might say it’s clichéd, but I’m looking for a partner in crime. Like stealing Fruit Stripe gum from the grocery store or violating consent, not like wiping out someone’s bank account and taking off for a whirlwind tour of Europe, even though they deserved it for saying that my standards for others were too high and for myself were too low—I’ve been there, done that, anyway.

Besides, their trust fund will take care of whatever we want. Crime is for fun, not necessity.

To me, true love is loving someone FOR their faults, not in spite of them. When I find a submissive who doesn’t mind if I gain 50 pounds, give away their 18 year-old pug because he farts too much, and lose their Bentley in a parking lot in Story City, Iowa on a spontaneous tour of the US that I forgot to mention, I’ll know they are special. Bonus points if they don’t judge me when they find out that the only reason I was in Story City was to visit an ex of mine, and that the car was gone after we spent 6 sex-filled days in a dingy trailer enjoying kinky romps and ignoring their frantic calls to my cell.

And if they find out I lied about “losing” the Bentley, but instead traded it to a shady dude named “Raw” for some white powder and a few dollars for my ex’s rent, and don’t get that red face and high pitched voice that all the others have gotten just before they leave me because something perfectly reasonable like that happens, well, I’ll collar them on the damned spot.

That’s a keeper.

I want a submissive who is capable of balancing vanilla and kink life with work, all the household chores, the pampering I require, and knows the lyrics to all the songs I know the lyrics to, since I have this habit of breaking out into random song, and I’ve always felt a bit weird about that, but with this submissive, well, I’d never feel alone again.

Maybe the reason I haven’t met them is because I’m too nice. I’m always going out of my way to help those in pain. For example, a few nights back, I saw this submissive crying and screaming in pain, so I comforted and helped them through the ordeal. The DM got really mad at me and told me to quit interrupting scenes, and eventually kicked me out. I think they were just jealous at the success I was having, but either way, I slept alone another night.

I know my standards aren’t too high, because I had this submissive. 27, a hunk, brilliant (but not too), and so hot in bed. He was rich, and didn’t need to work, but enjoyed it in his spare time when he wasn’t focused on me.

It was amazing, until I realized that at some point he was going to figure out that I wasn’t really much of a catch, and I knew I had to skedaddle. Like NOW.

So I did.

I want a sub who will challenge me, not make me actually examine my own life, or see reality for what it is.

He wasn’t tall enough, anyway.

Inspired by: this.