On June 12, 2021, I presented the topic “Toilet Paper Bondage: Behavior Modification in Power Exchange Relationships” for Dating Kinky’s Weekend Event, ‘My Power, Your Power.’ The original presentation was free to all who joined us live, and was recorded for Dating Kinky’s PLUS members to access through the Dating Kinky Library (over 400 videos and 550 hours of content!).

Here is a clip from that 90-minute show, where I talk about consistency as a primary factor in behavior modification.

Transcript

In the chat: What do you all think is the most important consideration when it comes to rewards and punishments?

I’m going to sip my tea while I wait to see what you guys come up with.

CONSISTENCY!

We got it. We got several that nailed it in one. Consistency.

“The behavior outcome you are seeking.” Absolutely.

So if you were doing…if you were giving rewards and punishments and you’re not getting the outcome you’re seeking then it’s time to re-evaluate how you do behavior modification

“Time,” Emerald goddess put in time. Is also definitely a consideration.

However, the challenge is, is that when we embark upon behavior modification, for example, and—let’s talk about training a puppy to go to the bathroom outside, instead of in the house.

Once you have embarked on owning a puppy, you have to make the time to set that puppy up for success.

It doesn’t matter if you’re busy.

It doesn’t matter if you have to run out the door.

That puppy still needs to be taken outside to go to the bathroom.

It is too easy to say, “Oh, I don’t have time. They can just go in their crate right?”

Except that that sets your training back by days, it’s the same thing when you’re doing behavior modification.

If you choose to ignore something, or to set it aside because of time without an incredibly valid response, even with an incredibly valid reason you’re going to set your training back.

And that’s key because if you think about it, correcting or reinforcing behavior right that moment —is I think like something like a factor of a hundred and thirty times more potent than doing it later.

Right.

So consistency every single time.

Every single time, even if it’s just, “I caught that. Do it over.” Every single time.

Now, we’re all human and we’re not perfect and we will miss it every once in a while. That’s to be expected.

However, consistency is what you have to aim for.

And that is the reason that I constantly say: “In order to modify somebody else’s behavior, you have to be willing to modify your own,” because you have to be willing to be consistent.

You have to be willing to pay attention.

You have to be willing to act, or to say something, or to reward, or to punish, or to correct, or to prompt.

Every. Single. Time.

All right?

Because that is why you get the power to do this.

—

I say that to me, a power exchange is a submissive giving power over themselves to a dominant, and a dominant giving responsibility for that power and the relationship, and quite possibly the person (depending on the depth of the relationship and negotiations) in return.

And that is a big responsibility.

And when engaging in behavior modification, inconsistency is the EASIEST way to screw things up.

Let’s looks at a simple example I was given decades ago by a friend and mentor:

Person A wants more attention than Person B was giving (this was an actual couple we knew at the time).

Person A was frustrated and feeling desperate, which created inconsistent behaviors. When Person B would spend time with Person A through a phone call, or a date, or a night over, Person A would do the following:

• Be happy and have a good time.
• Spend time pushing for Person B to set a date for the next time.
• Complain that Person B didn’t spend enough time with them.
• Yell at Person B for not spending time sooner.

And Person B never knew what to expect.

So, what do you think happened? I bet you know. Person B wanted to spend even less time with Person A, and withdrew more.

Leading to even more inconsistency.

And a death spiral.

So, what if Person A controlled their emotions and focused on always just having a good time, and reinforcing the bond they had when they were together?

What if none of the other things were there? The pushing, the complaining, the yelling?

Well, the relationship might have survived. It might not have, as well.

But, it would definitely have been more pleasant for both of therm. They could have enjoyed their time together and the consistency would have been a refuge for them both, until one or the other decided they needed more or different.

I guess what I’m saying here is that mixed messages will fudge up a relationship ALWAYS. And that in behavior modification, it can set you way back and ruin all of your efforts.

So, be consistent.

What are your thoughts?

Do you value consistency in your relationships? In your power dynamics?

Do you offer it? In what ways have you been inconsistent in the past? How could you have done better?