It can be awkward and silly the first time, but just ask.

It can be awkward and silly the first time, but just ask.

Last week, I wrote about the idea I have that great dominants make people feel like they could be (or are already) great.

Two comments stood out and inspired me to write this:

I’m grateful for writings like this. They remind me to take account of myself and make sure I never stop improving. It makes me wonder, am I doing all I reasonably can to help lift others up? If the answer is no, adjustments are necessary. Thank you.

I do my best to build up and support everyone I’m in relationship with. But I’d love to hear more about how to make someone feel they are capable of greatness, or how to inspire people, as I feel I am weak in this area. People have mentioned unconditional acceptance, which I think is a crucial ingredient. What else? @Arius

And it reminds me of something I do often:

I ask.

And yes, the first few hundred times it can feel awkward or silly. And when you do it with others who are not used to it, they will likely laugh nervously, because not many people are used to being asked directly whether they are being well-taken care of.

And of those, many don’t really know.

But I’ve found that asking helps.

So, what do you ask? Anything, really. I ask a lot of questions, usually as the occur to me, like:

  • Do you feel loved by me?
  • Is there anything I can do to help you feel more confident?
  • Do you feel like I care about your feelings?
  • Have I fulfilled your needs for submission (or sex, or humiliation or whatever)?
  • What can I do to make our relationship any better?
  • Is there anything I do that makes you feel insecure in our relationship?
  • What can I do to make your day special?
  • What would you like to try that we have not yet tried together?

And so on.

And don’t just ask the questions.

Ask the questions that you actually want the answers to, and LISTEN to the answers. Ask for clarification. Even when you get an answer you didn’t expect (or didn’t want).

And if you do it often enough, the people in your life will realize you WANT to know about them and their feelings and what is going through their head, and they will volunteer that information more often as well.

And it becomes natural to check in and get feedback.

And to give it, when necessary, as well.

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