Over my holiday break (which I really enjoyed), I worked. I worked on plans for 2020, and books due in 2020, and ideas about kink in 2020…
Well, you get the picture, I’m sure.
And one of the projects I’m working on with Janet Miles is a book on consent and negotiations.
Now, I’ve written a lot about consent, especially geared towards a beginner’s perspective. Mostly because I believe that’s where the MOST people need work.
Frankly, only a certain segment of the kink population (which is itself a certain segment of the population) will ever decide to dive into CNC, or consensual non-consent.
However, even if it’s only one in 1,000 kinksters, it still deserves to be written on and about, and explained. To those who are interested in practicing it,—and to those who are viewing it and appalled by it on the outside of those relationships.
And I’ve been struggling with how to present it.
And then, over my break it came to me.
You see, sometimes I am so busy soaking up and sharing knowledge that my brain is too noisy for IDEAS.
And I’ve not done a lot of sitting quietly lately. SOOOO MUCH TO DO!
But on my 8-hour drive home from my folks’ place, I practiced a trick I learned long ago: drive alone, with no radio, no music, and just see where thoughts take me.
And, when I’m lucky (I call it luck, but so far, it’s always worked), I get ideas. LOTS of ideas, and I use the talk-to-text on my phone to make notes.
“Siri, make a note. So comma shit happens ellipses especially in butt play.”
Well, perhaps that’s not a brilliant idea. Not all are.
However, as I drove towards home in the lightening of the eastern sky, an image flashed into my mind.
And suddenly I made the connection with CNC and how to explain it.
In consensual non-consent or ‘no limits’ relationships or scenes, the submissive, slave, whathaveya, has no limits. This is their definition.
And cries of “You MUST have limits, what if they wanted to cut your arm off with a chainsaw!” or “Why even lie?”
Yeah. I did see that accusation made towards one of my CNC commentors some years ago. Suggesting that they were just saying they were CNC to be subbier-than-thou.
“But then he (referring to the dominant) could rape you all he wants.”
The CNC submissive responded:
“Well, then it’s not rape. He can do what he wishes with me.”
To which the original person replied:
“But what if you really don’t want it, and it’s rape, what then?”
And there was no budging either of them from their positions.
Penn Jillette’s quote was the tie-breaker for me.
When a submissive enters into a CNC or no limits relationship with another, they are giving up their right to say no without ending the relationship.
They are also betting/counting/relying on the fact that they know the person they are entering into this relationship with, and that, like Penn Jillette, they WILL rape all they want. And that amount is zero.
They don’t want to rape. If they wanted to rape, they would rape. Not go through all the effort of creating a long-term relationship, building up the trust for CNC, and THEN raping.
Or, at least, probably not.
They WILL hurt them all they want.
They WILL break them down, humiliate them, make them cry, whatever them—ALL THEY WANT.
And “all they want” is exactly the right amount for that submissive.
They don’t need to negotiate every single time.
They don’t need to give consent every time.
They trust in their partner to do what they want every single time. and for it to be just right for them.
I wrote a bit about this before.
Have You Ever Wanted To Kick A Puppy? details the idea that if you don’t want to do something, you won’t do it.
Not because you’ve not negotiated it, or because there are rules against it, but because you don’t want to, so you literally don’t need anything in place to stop you.
And so, Like Penn Jillette, I will rape all I want. And the amount I want is zero.
Image by Gage Skidmore