Do you violate your own consent?

Do you violate your own consent?

On January 19, 2022, MsBossyButterfly presented the topic “It’s a Juggling Act!” for Dating Kinky’s Indigo Flow monthly show. The original presentation was free to all who joined us live, and was recorded for Dating Kinky’s PLUS members to access through the Dating Kinky Library (over 400 videos and 550 hours of content!).

Here is a clip from that hour long show show, where she talks about the challenge of balancing time in your life and setting and maintaining personal boundaries around time.


Okay, time.

Time is one of the biggest challenges.

It’s important to think about time as something you need to set boundaries and limits for.

So, one of the first things that I want you to think about with time, is in creating boundaries and limits for yourself.

I am really terrible about this with work, particularly right now. Okay?

We talk a lot about boundaries and limits in the world of kink.

We go “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I have these boundaries and I have these limits and this is my boundary and you’re not going to do this to me.”

We think about it all the time.

We give lip service to it all the time, and it’s usually reserved for the things that we will not do or that we won’t let other people do to us.

But in regard to the time and the space that we need to give ourselves, we need to actually think about creating boundaries and limits for ourselves, and we need to think about sticking to those.

We actually need to think ‘consent violation.’

I know that sounds really radical, but if we are going to break a boundary and a limit with time, we are actually violating ourselves.

I want you to think about that for a minute.

Think about that.

I’m going to say to myself, “I’m going to stop work at noon and I’m going to let myself have 30 minutes of devoted time in which I am going to read up on a kinky skill,” or “30 minutes where I’m going to engage with my dom(inant). Solely focus on my dom(inant).”

And then you work through those 30 minutes, because, “I’m just going to do this,” “I’m just going to answer one more email,” “I’m just going to do one more thing.”

You have violated your own consent.

Think about that.

If we think about treating ourselves with more respect, treating ourselves with boundaries and limits, and that we are violating ourselves, would we do this? Would we violate someone else’s boundaries and limits?

Probably not, but we do it to ourselves all the time.


Anyone else feel punched in the gut by, “”I’m just going to answer one more email”?


Just me?


Seriously, though. I believe that one of our highest callings in life, one of our greatest priorities as humans is to not only set a boundary: “I will stop at noon every day to eat lunch and practice self-care for one hour,” but to then maintain and enforce that boundary.

I also believe that that is probably what most of us could use a lot of work on.

Like, a lot, a lot.

Do I think we are violating our own consent?

I see where she’s coming from.

I also believe that consent is flexible, and because it is us, we can change what we consent to on the fly, so I don’t think we are violating our own consent. But we are potentially doing harm.

Especially if we create a boundary for the time that we need and we regularly override it in favor of something or someone else.

And when we do that, we are creating self-distrust and eroding self-esteem.

Because we cannot count on even ourselves to protect our boundaries from us.

We are lying to ourselves that we will do what will protect and nourish us.

And we are reducing our own personal agency by putting other activities and people constantly ahead of our needs and desires.

And this is just about time. There are five other types of personal boundaries: physical, emotional, material, intellectual, and sexual.

And we can make that same mistake in every one of those areas, in multiple ways.

What are your thoughts?

Do you honor your own personal boundaries?

If yes, was it something you had to learn, or something that comes naturally to you?

If no, do you feel it harms you? And do you find yourself also letting others push or stomp on your boundaries as well?

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