What If I’m Still Scared?

That’s OK.

Heck, I’ve been in/out of the lifestyle for 20+ years, and there are times I’m still scared.

One day, I was setting up a scene for my Pet, early in our relationship. It was based on something we’d talked about quite a lot, but neither of us had experienced.

I absolutely KNEW every detail of what we’d discussed, but not what would actually happen. Or if fantasy would translate well into reality. If someone might get hurt—emotionally or physically.

I knew it could go horribly wrong.

Now, I felt sure it wouldn’t.

But it COULD.

There was a chance.

I call it the 2% chance.

It’s the chance that even when I’ve done all my research, I’ve talked it out ad nauseum, I’ve planned everything meticulously, that it will still go sideways.

Maybe sideways, like a condom will break.

Maybe sideways like our relationship will break under the strain, and end in a massive fireball of dramatic pain….

But there is that chance. A 2% chance.

That’s my sweet spot.

I am 98% sure everything will go amazingly, and I am 100% committed to that chance.

The same chance applied to our first 6-hour road trip together. That we would hate each other afterwards, that we would be terrible auto travel companions.

We’re not.

But I was prepared, in case we were.

NOTHING, for me, is guaranteed.

And I’m OK with that.

Because when I can reduce my worry to 2%, and feel confident that even then, I’m potentially prepared, I can try damn near anything. And I know I won’t be frozen if it goes wrong unexpectedly, because it’s not unexpected.

Pet, he doesn’t believe in the 2%. He’s an optimist. And so far, it’s not gone wrong, we’re still amazing and wonderful together more than six years later. The 98% has come through for us over and over.

I’m the dominant. I’m responsible. And I’ll always pay attention to that fearful 2%.

Your 2% might be more like 20%.

As I said, Pet’s 2% is 0%. He has full faith in us and everything we do, and feels no fear.

Your fear might be 20%. Or 98%.

You have to respect your own feelings, and figure out what will make you feel better.

Maybe it’s more research.

Maybe it’s talking and connecting online.

Maybe it’s attending more low-key social events like munches or sloshes before going to a play party.

Maybe it’s watching people at a play party before playing.

Or…maybe it’s just doing it.

Only YOU can say for yourself whether it is just time to push past your fears and make this happen for you or not.

Take it easy. Go at your own pace.

There is never a rush to do (or not do) something in kink.

The community says:

Fear is the cock blocker of dreams. Get out there to explore and enjoy.

— Mz Neta

The advice I would give is, take all the time one needs. Make friends as they come along, learn to speak freely in the kink spaces in your area, watch those that play, how they play. As you talk to these people learn your personal boundaries through how other’s boundaries are set and re-access those boundaries as you need for you. As this happens you will open up to those that give the right energy for you.

—Harley David Morris (SirHMorris) 47, Dom/Top

You’re right to be scared. Kink is a full-contact sport with loose rules and (usually) no referee. It’s dangerous – for everyone concerned. If it weren’t dangerous, it wouldn’t be worth doing.

Advice: embrace the fear and do it anyway.

— Simon Brooke

Go to a club with a friend. Clubs are a good place to try playing because there are DMs. Being a little scared is good, there is risk in what we do.

— Mira O’Hart, 41F, Sadomasochist, BDSM Romance Author

Classes, classes and more classes.

— Trixie95, 49F, slave

Small steps…Find things within your comfort zone and build on that…Experimenting can be thrilling, you’ve done your research, it seems the next step is to act.

— IvoryVixen, 40F, Switch