What are limits?
lim·it
/ˈlimit/
noun: limit; plural noun: limits
- a point or level beyond which something does not or may not extend or pass.
- a restriction on the size or amount of something permissible or possible.
This is a basic dictionary definition for the word “limit,” which might give you a hint of what limits represent in kink.
Your limits, are, ultimately, things you don’t want to do. More, they are things you don’t consent to do.
Some people make the mistake of thinking that limits are only for submissives or bottoms. Not at all. EVERYONE gets to have limits—dominants, submissives, tops, bottoms, pets, sluts—everyone.
We all have things we won’t or don’t want to do, and the key is to find others who enjoy what we enjoy and are willing to respect our limits.
In kink, limits are often broken down into soft limits and hard limits.
Soft Limits
A soft limit is usually something you don’t enjoy or might hesitate to do for other reasons, but that you won’t rule out entirely.
Maybe it’s something you will do with only certain partner(s) who have the right skill set, or with whom you have a specific type of rapport.
It might be something you’ll do in very particular circumstances, or only when trust has been established.
Often when people talk in kink about “pushing limits,” they are discussing play and exploration around these soft limits.
Pushing limits is generally not a single-sided decision. After all, they are usually limits for a reason, and could be physically or mentally dangerous, so everyone involved should take great care in getting and restricting consent when stepping into these areas.
Also, it’s a good idea to talk over worst-case scenarios when testing limits and boundaries, and make sure everyone is prepared for any fallout that might happen.
Hard Limits
Hard limits are things you won’t do under any circumstances.
These may be for moral or ethical reasons, or based on what you value.
They may be tied up in trauma or past experience and could trigger bad memories, panic attacks, or other psychological stress.
Some hard limits are based on physical considerations. A good friend has a heart issue which prevents them from doing any sort of electrical play on their torso, for example.
Other Limits
Requirement-limit. This is not a common term, but it is a common discussion. A requirement-limit is essentially something that MUST happen or be a part of a scene for things to progress, and without which, things must stop.
For example, a spanking scene might require a specific paddle. A scene with a new play partner might require that your existing protector be available to watch and stop the scene if necessary, and so on.
Another requirement might be that if a scene happens, a specific type of aftercare is negotiated and provided.
Time-limit. Just what it sounds like. Something is allowed for a specific period of time.
Perhaps just long enough for a scene to happen, or for a weekend getaway.
It seems simple (it is), however, it’s important to note that as soon as that time limit is up, consent is revoked without another negotiation.
What Limits Are OK?
Limits can be anything that you’re simply unwilling to engage in. They are yours, and therefore not subject to others’ judgment calls.
Some people, for example, may love anal sex.
Others may have that as a hard limit, due to physical issues, past experiences, personal values, or simply being squikked out.
You may choose ANYTHING for a limit.
You may have as many limits as you need.
Those who disregard a limit (hard or soft) in kink are generally considered dangerous players.
Not only have they violated consent, but they did exactly what they were told NOT to do.
You can’t disregard a limit because you don’t think it is important. It’s important enough to them to bring it up, and should be considered sacrosanct.
Violating a limit is enough to get many people ostracized.
And for those who might pooh-pooh your limits, or tease you about them: it’s worth reconsidering your relationship. You have a reason for your limits.
What right does anyone have to shame you or try to coerce you to give them up? None.
Limits Often Grow With You
You may have some of the same limits today as you will ten years from now.
You will probably have discovered a few of your original limits are now so much fun that you seek them out.
You will also likely have added a few—either from negative experiences, or simply because you discovered things exist that you absolutely don’t want to try.
That’s OK.
You’re not the same person now that you were ten years ago. According to science, you might be a completely different person at the beginning and end of your life. More and more studies are saying that we do change over time, much more than we often know or sense in ourselves.
So, of course what you love and what revvs your engine might change as well.
I know that in my 40s, I am far less interested in the pretty boy looks I loved as a teen and in my early 20s, and more interested in certain mannerisms and personality types.
And my limits and desires reflect those changes.
“No Limits”
Ugh.
The “no limits” thing gets bandied about online quite a bit.
Usually the people requiring a “no limits slave,” or offering to serve with “no limits” have not thought it through.
After all, no limits might mean that they are OK with permanent physical harm (chainsaw, anyone?), or things that are against their ethics (like children or animals).
Personally, anyone who approaches me with “no limits” immediately loses any chance with me, as they are making it very clear that they do not think about kink on the same level I do, and also that they don’t take their own safety very seriously.
It makes me wonder how seriously they might take my limits and safety, should it come down to it…
Generally “no limits” is a fantasy scenario without any real-world application or experience.
There is another way that “no limits” is often used in the lifestyle, and this is in a consensual non-consent (CNC) relationship.
In that situation, “no limits” refers to the trust that has been built and given to their partner, who is not limited in what they choose to do.
However, an important point to remember is that that trust assures them that their physical and mental well-being is always considered and they feel one hundred percent confident that they will not be damaged beyond what they can handle.
