How do I tell my partner I’m kinky?

Well, this is a toughie.

Seriously.

Especially if you’re already in a long-term relationship.

Because how you tell your partner is probably as unique as your relationship is with your partner.

Of course there are a few guidelines I can offer.

1. Assess your current communication level related to sexy things and sexual desire.

Do you as a couple feel comfortable discussing sexuality in general? Ask yourself these questions:

• Do you know if you give them good pleasure?
• Do they enjoy sex with you?
• Do you satisfy them?
• Have you talked about what they love and what they don’t?
• Does they ask you what turns you on, or how to please you?

This is step one. Getting comfortable talking with each other about sex.

If you’re not already here (don’t worry—many are not!), then I’d suggest taking some time to do this, because sex is more “normalized” than kink, and related in many cases (even if you’re not really looking for kinky sex, per se), so it will be great practice and set a good foundation.

2. Start slow. Begin at the beginning.

So you may have had this kink forever. Or been researching it for months, even years, and you KNOW all about it and how sexy it would be if…

But wait.

Your partner likely has NO IDEA.

You’re in fantasy-la-la-preparation land, and they are still going through their vanilla life maybe not even knowing this thing exists, much less that you think about it when you’re making love, or touch yourself to porn about it.

Don’t drop them in the deep end of the pool before they have learned the basics of dog paddling. Or before they even know what water is!

It’s not fair to them, and it could lead to disastrous results for you.

For example, let’s say you’re into pain and want to be paddled regularly or whipped—that’s extreme for a lot of people. They don’t get it.

However, most have heard of sexy spanking, so that’s a good place to begin.

Or light biting.

Because those are accessible.

And they are familiar. And they are not extreme.

3. Be honest and authentic.

Don’t lie.

I mean, this is my advice for pretty much EVERYTHING, but it’s important to note here as well.

Because as soon as you lie, you’re risking breaking trust. And sharing your kinks with someone is a reflection of not only your trust in them, but theirs in you to not force them into weird shit they are not sure they want or to break their consent, or to be some sort of freak they don’t recognize.

As mentioned in number two, above, though, that does not mean to tell everything you think in one word vomit.

“I’d really like to try spanking with you. I’ve seen it in movies and I’ve read about it, and here are some articles I found that say that it’s healthy and can be a good stress relief…”

Well, that actually brings me to…

4. Do your research.

What I mean is, research your kink, and find popular culture references, science, blogs, etc.—preferably outside of the kinkosphere—that show that what you’re into is not as scary as it might seem to someone who’s never heard of it or thought of it before.

There’s a lot out there, as human sexuality is being studied more than ever before, and you can ask others about what studies they might have seen.

And, of course, I’ve already provided you with a good start earlier in the book with studies about kink and BDSM in general.

5. Be willing to answer their questions.

Unless your partner has been secretly interested in the exact same kink, they will likely have questions for you.

Be ready to answer them.

This may seem like common sense, and I wish it were. However, there are many people who don’t go into a conversation really prepared, and get caught off guard.

6. Accept their “No.”

Understand that no matter how awesomely you approach your kinks, some people will just not have an interest.

Period.

And that’s OK.

They have a right to not want what you want.

You have a right (well, an obligation at that point) to decide what you will do.

Can you live without your kink?

Do you have suggestions on how you can meet your kinky needs without your partner?

Are you willing to continue with a partner who does not share your interest(s), or is even potentially disgusted by it/them?

Do not try to browbeat them into something they don’t want. That’s not fair to them. This is your interest, and it’s not cool to try to force them to enjoy it.

7. Accept their “Maybe.”

Maybe is sometimes harder to accept than no. Because it MIGHT turn into a yes, it’s easy to get excited and push too hard.

Don’t.

Just don’t.

Let them choose their own pace.

Because maybe does not mean no, but it doesn’t mean yes, either. They are undecided.

And pushing too hard can make them decide it’s just not worth it, or that you’re not really respecting their decision making process.

Again, I’ll point out, this might be 100% new to them, even if you’ve been harboring a desire for years.

Ask them how you can support their decision-making process.

Could you do some research for them?

Find some books or blogs?

Answer more questions?

Get some toys you might need?

Negotiate some dipping-a-toe-in play?

But be cool. A maybe is better than a no. But it’s NOT a yes.

8. Be prepared for a negative reaction.

We have to face it, some people are not interested in opening their mind, or learning new things, or think kink is morally and ethically wrong, or whatever.

And they may be nice about it, and they be…well…very NOT nice.

Be prepared.

It is a possibility.

And know that if you go ahead anyway, that you’ve decided that speaking your truth honestly and authentically is your priority.

From the community:

It starts with what I’m into, like yoga and jiujitsu and whatnot. From there I casually tell them that any other activity I do is just a test of my resilience and my yoga practice, and then I open up about kink and how it is a yoga practice in itself. Hahaha

— Saturniidae, 29/F, Sensualist

My husband was actually as vanilla as they come. I was NOT. We started talking about what we need and expect from the other in our relationship, and that’s when I told him about my kinks. We started very slow; anal, nipple clamps, a ball gag. Then, as time passed, and things were going well, I started telling him more details and desires. I never knew he would dive into the lifestyle with me full force.

— Ashlie H., 25, submissive

I let my last relationship grow organically, they knew that I was kinky and I made that known. I also knew they were vanilla. So, started off with things like biting and squeezing, so I brought up rough body play. I have been in the scene and aware of this community since before I was legal, so easing someone into it is important. Taking their interests and exploring more kinks and toys related to that. Rather then out of the blue lets try this random thing.

— Luna Davis, 25NB, Princess Daddy

Just be open, honest and willing to explain. On the other hand, be prepared for their reaction. Not everyone sees kinky as you do. This is why you have to be willing to explain what it is you like, why you like it, how it makes you feel and more importantly how you feel that doing it together will only help with the relationship. Best of luck!

—OCRoach, 51 male, kinkster

That is something that I bring up from the beginning (it’s listed on my vanilla dated profiles, even). Now, if we’re going to presume that the question is regarding being in the midst of a relationship and wanting to broach the subject – just do it. Whether you bring it up from a sexual standpoint as wanting to branch out in the bedroom, or from a behavioral standpoint of “this is what I need, and this is what I need from you if you can support it.”

Because that’s the fear, right? That if it’s brought up now it could mean the end of the relationship, there could be a rejection. But from personal experience, it’s better to be up front and risk loss (or even accept loss) than to deny who you are and what you need in your life.

— Valmeyjar, 33 F, Switch

I’m not sure if it’s ever come up cause I just do stuff that is me and if he doesn’t like it or we don’t mesh we just part ways. I guess mostly I’m saying he would know I’m kinky before he became a partner.

— MischievousMolly, 38F, sub

You asked how people told their partners they were kinky. I have a easy and natural way, which was also unplanned.

When my wife and I decided to get divorced, I waited until the next morning to make sure she wasn’t going to change her mind, and then I put a personal ad on bondage.com

When I meet someone for the first time, they naturally want to know who I am. When I tell the story of me, it’s quite easy and quite natural to weave the paragraph above into it. It also invites discussion.

— DragonSlayer on Fetlife