When people find kink or come back to it after a time away, they often make one simple mistake:

They confuse what turns them on for a relationship.

Someone wrote to me this morning, after getting a welcome message for my Women In Charge group. He mentioned that he was not looking for a woman in charge, but enjoys getting off on strong, powerful women with guns and swords.

He asked if that’s unusual.

I said it’s not really. That many people enjoy similar things, regardless of gender. THere’s something about FEELING overpowered by someone superior and admiring them that is very sexy.

I get it, and I’m a dominant.

So, I mentioned that that’s a great feeling and a fun scene to play out. But that it’s not a connection point.

It’s not how you create a relationship that allows you to fulfill those needs.

And he didn’t seem thrilled with that idea.

I get that, too.

I mean, when feeling a specific way really trips that trigger, you crave it. I know I do.

And there is nothing wrong with that.

Where it goes horribly, horribly wrong is when we begin to think that whatever makes us feel that way IS the relationship—or at least the basis for one.

And I will tell you, that is pretty much impossible.

Because there is no way you will be able to feel turned on 100% of your time.

Life does not allow that.

And, if you think about it, that’s not really what you want, is it?

Or maybe it is, I’m not gonna tell you what you want.

I can tell you that I’m a very sexual person, and even still, I want other things in my life besides sex:

•Travel

•Reading

•Spending time with friends

•Laughter

•Relaxation

•Good food

And so on.

And in my relationship, I love being in charge. I adore being desired. I crave being needed.

All of those things are important to me.

But even were I to have sex every time I wanted for as long as I wanted, ever, I’d still have at least 100 non-sleeping hours a week to fill with something other than sex.

Sexual compatibility is important. I require a partner who can make me feel the ways I crave during our sexual play.

It’s not everything, though, because we have to get along all of those other hours we spend together as well, doing things that are not sex (even though I enjoy talking sexy and teasing throughout all of daily life).

I found someone who is interested in many of the things I’m interested in, open to trying others, and who I was compatible with for all of the hours that we don’t spend doing kinky things.

AND we’ve checked off one (or more) fantasies at a time, explored sexuality in ways I didn’t even know to fantasize about, and we actually like each other.