Someone replied to a post I made in my Women in Charge Facebook group, and said:
love is truly wanting what’s best for another with little regard for the self’s personal desires…
I disagree 100%.
To me, love is wanting what is best for another AND yourself.
I don’t believe that selfless love is anything but a denial that will eventually backfire.
I have personally found that anyone in my life who has practiced any form of that is ultimately less secure and able to properly love me than those who understand their own desires and needs and pursue those as diligently as they pursue mine.
In fact, anyone who suggests that my desires were more important than theirs get an immediate rejection from me.
Either because I would think they were lying, or because I would think that they didn’t know enough about themselves to be a good partner.
Because being a good partner, to me, is being able to advocate for your own needs and desires.
I’m a dominant in my relationships.
I get my way.
Most of the time.
HOWEVER, the thing I think a lot of people miss is that getting my way, done right, means my partner is also getting their way most of the time.
In other words, our desires are complementary.
I prefer to lead, they desire to follow.
I have a need to take power. They have a need to give it.
I have a desire for oral sex on demand, they get off on being used.
And so on.
And if someone is sublimating (or TRYING to sublimate) their desires to make me happy, I am 99.9 percent sure that it will end horribly, badly, awfully, resentfully, and dramatically.
And I’m not signing up for that.
I want you to have the highest regard for your personal needs and desires, and bring them to me, so we can find our sweet spots together.