I want a selfish lover!

I want a selfish lover!

Someone replied to a post I made in my Women in Charge Facebook group, and said:

love is truly wanting what’s best for another with little regard for the self’s personal desires…

I disagree 100%.

To me, love is wanting what is best for another AND yourself.

I don’t believe that selfless love is anything but a denial that will eventually backfire.

I have personally found that anyone in my life who has practiced any form of that is ultimately less secure and able to properly love me than those who understand their own desires and needs and pursue those as diligently as they pursue mine.

In fact, anyone who suggests that my desires were more important than theirs get an immediate rejection from me.

Either because I would think they were lying, or because I would think that they didn’t know enough about themselves to be a good partner.

Because being a good partner, to me, is being able to advocate for your own needs and desires.

I’m a dominant in my relationships.

I get my way.

A lot.

Most of the time.

HOWEVER, the thing I think a lot of people miss is that getting my way, done right, means my partner is also getting their way most of the time.

In other words, our desires are complementary.

I prefer to lead, they desire to follow.

I have a need to take power. They have a need to give it.

I have a desire for oral sex on demand, they get off on being used.

And so on.

And if someone is sublimating (or TRYING to sublimate) their desires to make me happy, I am 99.9 percent sure that it will end horribly, badly, awfully, resentfully, and dramatically.

And I’m not signing up for that.

I want you to have the highest regard for your personal needs and desires, and bring them to me, so we can find our sweet spots together.

I believe this so deeply, that I’ve harangued Zach Budd to teach out our Dating & Love event in February on the topic of selfishness and it’s benefit to our relationships.

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One Response

  1. I have been counseling teens, then adults since my mid-twenties. I do it non-professionally and they know that when they request me. Also, there is no charge for my time except for a refreshment. It has always been that way. I’ve been a lifetime student of communication and people all my life. Every day is a learning day for me. I got into BDSM, not for the play or for the sex but for the different communication techniques. Then later I got into the rest.

    I want a selfless lover (self-less) as opposed to selfish. I tell my partner that I WANT A SELFLESS LOVER. Because they get one too when they get me! So you ask how that is?

    I say this to those I counsel: NEVER HAVING TO WANT, BECAUSE THE OTHER PARTNER IS ALWAYS GIVING. This is how my relationships roll because each partner is happy that they never are left wanting for anything. And they are taught how to communicate in various ways. So in my relationships, my partner is always happy and I am always happy.

    Traditionally, sex and often love when sex is involved is SELFISH. One person getting what they want. Each out for themselves. Sure sometimes you give a little but eventually, it becomes about your pleasure, and then it becomes selfish. So when you learn how to communicate properly both of you…you both get what you want from the other for your pleasure.

    And I can say the same about a couple’s love. Never having to want, because the other is always giving.

    When I say this to a couple, the corner of their eyes go up, and too sometimes an index finger goes to the lips. Often I hear “WOW!!” or “Hmm” or “Wow! I never thought of it that way!”

    So it isn’t one way for me or for my couples. Think of the infinity sign or keep drawing a number eight, never lifting the pen or pencil off the paper. That is how never having to want works for us. And since it is about communication too, if you want or need it to be this or that, you communicate it to your partner. You don’t just let it go and later feel like you gave more than they gave you or whatever your logic is when you are not fully satiated.

    If you are left unsatisfied then it is your fault because you did not communicate properly. So if they are NOT getting your body’s communication then you need to speak your wants and/or you need to adjust your body or theirs to communicate where and how light/hard, fast/slow, shallow/deep, up/down, around/side-to-side, with flat/or tip, suck light/suck harder, ecetera. Communication is key and part of communication is observing your partner. Often, just watching the body express itself can tell you if you are on point or you need to make a change. If that isn’t working, ASK!

    And in addition to that, there is at least one great sex course or master sex course out there. I’m sure there are several. But for better or newer techniques, you’ll score extra points for giving or sharing the education with your partner. So if things are getting same ole same ole. Take a master sex course together then practice, practice, practice! Who doesn’t enjoy letting your partner practice on you, what you learned in sex class? Then they can tell you if they like it, or that Yes, but this way for you is a bit better! Communicate!

    Never having to want, for the other partner is always giving!

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